9th Birthday

Wow, it has been a while since I have written about my grief. Today is Noah's birthday. He would have been 9. I wonder what he would have been in to at this age. Legos? Minecraft? Books? I'll never know. It's still not fair. I miss him so. Even though the pain is still so real, God has been good to provide healing. I don't wake up every morning not wanting to face the day. There are still days like that, but not every single day. I no longer tell myself I just want to die. I'm not bitter towards other moms who have two or more kids. The death of a child certainly changes you. With the pain comes an incredible gift, a glimpse into Heaven. I haven't seen it, but I feel that I have. The bond I have with Noah cannot be broken. Since I have "seen" Heaven, my view of this world is different. This is not my home. 

While sitting next to Theo on his bed last night, my mind started to wander to Noah. What was he doing in Heaven? Does he get to celebrate his birthday? Theo noticed the look on my face and asked if I was thinking about school. That must be what he thinks about a lot. I said I was thinking of Noah. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Noah is always with us. Heaven is in this world." I said, "you think so?" He answered, "I am right." How did he get so wise? What if he is right? What if the veil between this world and Heaven is so thin that they really are with us? I'd like to think so. If you've read this far, thank you. If you have experienced the pain of grief, I hope and pray you have also felt the peace and healing that only God can give. Trust me, if you open your heart just a tiny bit, that is big enough for God. 

What Death Means to a Little Brother

I hadn't actually told Theo that Noah died. I've only said that he went to Heaven. I didn't think he was ready to hear what that actually meant. The time would come when I wouldn't be able to hold off any longer. Well, last week it came up a couple of times. I lightly touched on the subject after each time. Yesterday, he asked, "When we die, do we get to stay home?" "No," I said. "When we die, if we love Jesus, we go to live in Heaven. Usually people go to Heaven a very long time from now but your brother was sick. So, he got to go to Heaven early." He thought about that for a bit and then asked, "is Noah still sick?" I replied, "No, you are never sick in Heaven." Then he said, "Noah loves to play with me. He loves rocket ships and cars." So, that conversation wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. It was the start of a future conversation on what it really means to love Jesus and how to get to Heaven for eternity. I'd like Theo to know that Noah is not really dead. As far as this awful world is concerned, he is, but by Heavenly standards, he lives.

He is Still Missed… and Loved

Yesterday Theo said, "Mommy, I love you." He then ran to get this picture. It sits in a small frame on the entry table. He said, "I love my Noah. I miss my Noah. He's at Heaven." I love and miss him, too. While I am thankful that Theo remembers his older brother and knows where he is, the unfairness is more than I can handle sometimes. It is not fair that his best friend is gone. I am certain that I am not as much fun to play with as Noah would be. I know that there are plenty of kids without siblings and that everyone suffers a loss at times in their lives. This just wasn't my plan. I've lost the future that I thought my family was going to have. People told me the second year of grief could be harder than the first. I didn't believe that at first. There's no set plan or structure for the process of grief, but I think there are things that do make it harder after the shock wears off. Life has moved on for the world around me, but I am still here in my grief. My body is tired of being strong. I have anxiety and had to seek help for it. I'm aware that my plans can never be certain and I am not in control. God never promised life would be easy, but he did promise that He would walk with us through this life.

Life Goes On

I haven't blogged in a while, unless you count the last short post that was desperately written in the middle of the night. I've been struggling with how to deal with this world and how it seems to be pulling me forward when all I want to do is mourn. I've been so grumpy I didn't even blog about Noah's birthday. It has been 1 year and 2 months since he went to Heaven. I have to learn to put on a smile even when I don't feel like it, to put all my bitterness aside when people talk about their kids going to school, growing up, turning 7, etc. Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying I don't want them to talk about that with me, I'm just learning to be ok with hearing it. My grief is old news to others, but not to me. I'm not complaining, just stating the truth. That's how life works. It moves forward.

Living with grief is hard. It's a constant roller coaster ride. You can be fine one minute and then completely hysterical the next. When I go in Noah's room it often ends up being one of those hysterical moments. A few weeks ago I was so angry I called out to God, "why did you take him from me?! Just let me be SAD!!" What would His answer be? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think it would be along the lines of, "Ok, I will let you be sad, but I am not leaving you. I am your God and this is not for you to understand. You are mine. I am with you in your grief and I am with Noah. Be sad, but take my comfort. I am Lord of Heaven AND earth. 'Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you." I think it's important to bring these fears to God. I think He wants that. In a time of grief I'm sure it's normal to have those doubts and fears. I just have to remember that God did not take my Noah, he called him to Heaven to be with Him forever. Noah was here for as long as he could be. Every time I look at his picture and sadness overcomes me, I think of one word, "Heaven."

February 2012

Why does Heaven seem so far away? The sadness of this life is almost unbearable at times.

Surrender

I still wake up every single morning thinking about Noah and the fact that he is not here. Each day is a battle against depression. Now that the shock has warn off completely, the infinite earthly reality has set  in. I will never see, hug, or talk to Noah again for as long as I'm living on this earth. I'm only 32. The thought of living so many more years is sometimes daunting. This life is still worth living, though. I'm surrendering to this life.  I pray for a "drop of grace to carry me through this day." (For King & Country)

This Christmas season I also struggled with guilt. I experienced joy this month more than I have this entire year. How can I have joy when all I want to do is be sad?? Maybe God is working on my heart. My pastor used a metaphor to explain this struggle to me. He said that happiness is an island and grief is the sea. You can have both at the same time. Joy in the midst of grief. I think I've talked about this before. Maybe it's a thought I should cling to. On Christmas morning my husband and I both woke up around 4am, thinking about Noah. He started to cry and I told him it would be ok. His response was that he wasn't really sad, but humble. Humble? Humble because God sent his son Jesus and what that means for us -- the true meaning of Christmas. Joy in the midst of grief. I love that husband of mine.

Psalm 84:1-5 -- "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young at your alters, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you."

Wow. How fitting this is for me. My soul does long for Heaven. I love metaphors, obviously. I compare myself to the sparrow and swallow. I've found a home and made my nest. An earthly home for now and then a heavenly home. Noah is in the dwelling place of the Lord, singing His praise and is blessed. I am blessed by the strength that only comes from God.

Steven and Theo this Christmas.
These two make me smile. I don't know what I would do without them.
Noah was certainly missed that day (and every day). 

One Year

There just aren't enough words to express how much I miss him. No words at all really. It has been a year since he went to Heaven. I'm still holding on to the memory of our last hug. If only I could hug him again and never let go. The day Noah left I had no idea how I was going to live this life without him. I still have the images almost daily of finding him that morning. The image of his daddy holding him one last time while the paramedics arrived. Oh death, you are so painful. Oh God, please continue to restore my soul! Don't let this strength I have in You fade. I wish he could tell me what Heaven is like. How bright are the colors? How often do the angels sing? What does Noah do there? Are the dreams that I've had about him there really glimpses of Heaven? His prayers were often, "Dear God, thank you for Mom and Dad, me and Feo. I had a good day today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen." Did God say, "you're welcome."?

Theo still asks about him. He often says, "my Noah be back in a minute." Oh how I miss seeing them play together. Noah was Theo's best friend. I hope and pray he will always feel connected with Noah somehow. Quite often I wish he could be here to do things with us, like go to a movie or play at the park. I'm not sad for him, sad for us. I know I've said that a million times.

I knew this one year anniversary was going to be very hard so I had to think of a way to celebrate his life and what kind of boy he is. Just like I planned his 5th birthday party for months, I planned this event for that long. We called it the Be Kind campaign. The idea was for people to do an act of kindness for someone else and leave a card behind that said it was in loving memory of Noah. He was such a kind and gentle friend so we thought this was the perfect way to remember him. Many acts have been done so far and I hope it continues.

I have great joy in knowing with all of my heart that he is safe and with God. The hope that I will see him one day has been my crutch. I dream of the day when I get to see Jesus face to face and then He will take me to see Noah. I also dream of the day when the four of us can be together again. Thank you God for Heaven and all of it's joy! While we wait to get there, we will make sure that his life will leave an impact on this earth and will continue to share his kindness.

Coping with Grief: A Christian Perspective

I don't claim to be an expert and I'm not telling you how to feel or when to feel it. I'm just a mom who is going through this journey of learning to live this life on earth without my son. Over the past year I've learned a few things that have helped me along the way.

Life is never the same, but you have to learn to cope, or adapt. It is a very long process. Everyone grieves differently. Anger, shock, sadness, denial, depression, and even physical pain are all feelings associated with grief that everyone will likely feel. Pain of grief is unique. There are no magic words to take away this pain, but in this pain you will learn to live by faith. Living by faith allows you to learn to cope with the despair that you're feeling. Grieving is a natural response and is necessary to heal.

Music

Music can be very powerful therapy. Just hearing the words that you feel from someone else is comforting. The most helpful song for me is Mercy Me's "The Hurt and the Healer."

Some other songs that are awesome are:

"Keep Singing"-Mercy Me

"With Hope"-Steven Curtis Chapman

"There Will be a Day"-Jeremy Camp

"Already There"-Casting Crowns

Worship

My pastor, who's daughter passed away as a young adult, preached on worship this last Sunday. He said that worshipping when your heart is broken is pure worship. That kind of worship is about God's character and not the things he gives you. It will restore you, help you regain your perspective, and help you focus on the eternity. It was hard for me sometimes to worship, to be honest. The words just didn't seem authentic to me because I allowed bitterness in my heart. There were also sometimes when I just didn't want to be happy, but I sang the words anyway. I definitely felt that way at Noah's life celebration service. I used all of the courage and energy I had to sing those words. God gave me a great gift when he gave me Noah. I am not about to let Satan take my thankfulness away.

Scripture

In order to control the bitterness, I think it's important to read scripture often when you're grieving. I remember asking my friends for their favorite scripture. Here are a few verses to meditate on:

• "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

• "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

• "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

• "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I think it's important to remember verse 13. When you're in the pit of despair and you don't know how you're going to make it through, God will meet you there, you just have to ask.

Books

Noah passed away in Oklahoma. A week later we had to fly back home to Oregon, without him. That was the most difficult trip I've ever made. I went to Oklahoma with a son in each hand and left with the 11x16 picture that was on display at his funeral and his little brother instead. On the airplane I read the entire book, Heaven is for Real. It's about a young boy who almost died from appendicitis. While he was in surgery he actually went to Heaven and then came back. The book paints a beautiful picture of Heaven and is very believable. It's also easy to read. Another good book to read is Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Her daughter and son passed away from Zellweger Syndrome. Also an easy read and Biblically based.

Counsel

We attended a class called Grief Share. It's a nationwide program that is Christian based. It's for anyone who is going through the grieving process. They meet once a week. I highly recommend at least trying it out. Another thing that is helpful is to have a friend who will listen to you talk through your emotions at any time. I am blessed with a lot of family and friends who have been there to listen, encourage, or just sit with me. You can also seek counsel with a pastor or a therapist. Do what's best for you.

Heavenly-minded

Imagine if we lived in a world full of disappointments, pain, war, shootings, death, etc. Oh wait, we do. I'm not saying that there is nothing good in this world. God is good and his creations are good. If you think this life is void of pain, then you're in a bubble. Sorry to tell you that. Even if you haven't experienced some kind of heartache, this world is still not perfect. However, there is a place that is. A place where there are no more tears, no more suffering. Our home is there. (Philippians 3:20).

Just remember, our lives change whether we want them to or not, but God does not change. His dwelling place is Heaven, where Noah is. He's safe and sound from this world and that is where I will spend eternity. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

An Answer?

Yesterday I received a long-awaited phone call from the Medical Examiner's office in Oklahoma City. We've waited almost 11 months for the answer to this question, "why did our son die?" Here's the answer; no cause found, inconclusive. No cause found? They did every test they could think of. There is one test left that will take up to a year to get the results back, but that's the very last test. A genetic heart disease test. That doesn't mean that they think that's what it is. That is their last resort because it costs $5,000 and they don't have a lot of funding.

So, what am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to live my life never knowing what happened? My husband very wisely said that there is no hope in knowing, only hope in Heaven. If we would have known the cause I would always think about what I could have done to prevent it. How could a happy and presumably healthy boy just go to sleep and never wake up? Knowing that they couldn't find anything and his doctor didn't find anything in her scouring over his charts makes me believe that there's nothing we could have done. If there was something, we would have done it. There is one small voice that keeps saying, "why didn't God tell me there was something wrong? why didn't He make it more apparent?" It is not my place to question God. It is only my place to TRUST Him. Trust Him that he is in control. Perhaps it was His grace that we didn't find out the cause, as said by a good friend. I'm going to be honest, sometimes it is hard to trust that this will all be ok and that the joy will come. I think the only way to reach that trust is to ask Him for the strength to get there. Not just ask for extra strength, but God size strength.

I miss Noah so much. I really miss taking care of him. I'm so thankful that I have two boys. I don't know what I'd do without Theo. He'll never know how much he means to me. I was meant to be a mom. So now I have to parent him from here on this earth. One way I can think to do that is to attempt to bring purpose to his life and carry on his legacy that he left behind. That is why I'm embarking on the "Be Kind" campaign. I'm committing to continuing this campaign on November 29th for the rest of my life. I'm not doing it just for Noah, I'm doing it for myself, too. I think doing things for others will bring me joy. As I've said before, I'm searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow.

I just want to thank you all for your support throughout this very difficult time in our lives. We have such great friends and family. Thank you to those who have listened to me talk about my suffering and have been there with me when I've cried. Thank you for loving our Theo and accepting his crazy antics as he learns to live this life without his brother. This journey we are on to healing will be very long I'm sure. Your letters, messages, phone calls, hugs, talks, and prayers are all very very appreciated. Much love to you!

Finding Joy in Sorrow

"Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." 2 Corinthians 6:10. Oh Paul, you're so right. You may wonder why I'm rejoicing while my heart is broken into a million pieces. My answer -- the hope of joy that only comes from God. I just can't say that enough. Romans 5:2-3 says, "Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of underserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." I'm not saying that I'm happy and rejoicing that Noah is gone. I'm just searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow. Looking forward to the day I will see him again. Oh how my heart aches for that day. An ache too painful for words.

John Piper wrote, "So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with the power and goodness of God." Wow! One day our tears will be wiped away and death will be no more. I think I can rejoice in that. How about you?

Are you happy?

Yesterday Theo asked if I was happy. It took me by surprise. I'm sure he asked because I had been crying a few hours before that. My answer was, "Um, I have joy... Are you happy?" Thankfully he said, "yeah." I just can't bring myself to say that I'm happy. I think that's a fair thing to say. Although, I'm certainly not going to tell Theo that I'm unhappy. He might take it personally and I don't want him to remember his mother as an unhappy, bitter person. Also, just because I'm not happy right now doesn't mean that I just sit in my house to mope, say "woe-is-me, " and drown my sorrows in iced blended coffees. Well, maybe I do that some days... ok, most days. I'm still able to smile and laugh. And yes, I do count my blessings and thank God for what he has given me. I don't have to be reminded of that. I am also aware that I'm not the only person who is suffering in this world, but this is my blog and my thoughts, so I'm going to talk about me.

Theo's question made me think about the last time I was truly happy. I don't remember an exact day, more of a season - last fall. I have pictures to prove it. No pictures of me, of course. I'm usually behind the camera.

Best friends. Look how happy they are. Theo wouldn't go down the slide unless Noah did. Theo has become a lot more brave since then. I'm sure he would go down it now. 

This, this is my happy moment. 

My buddy. Even he was truly happy on this day. It took a long time for him to smile at the camera like this again.  

My silly boy. I love him so. 

I often wonder if I will ever be truly, completely happy again. Is there anyone who feels that way, though? Aren't we always wanting more? Why can't we just be content with God? Why do I have to be bitter about this bumpy, twisty-turny road that I'm on? You know, this road leads to somewhere. Heaven. I suppose that is what hope and joy are all about. Sure, I can be depressed and in despair because my Noah is gone from me. I can be mad and angry that I can't hug him or hear him laugh. Or, I can choose to remember his laugh and his hugs. I can choose to be thankful that I got to experience that for almost 6 happy years. I could have not known him at all. I can choose to focus on the hope of Heaven and someday, maybe I'll be happy again. After all, this is only a shadow of our real life. An eternal life in the presence of God is my future reality. Noah is still my son, and he always, always will be.

I love the faces on his pumpkins. I love that he was creative, kind, and overall pretty happy.

First Day of School

Today would have been Noah's first day of the first grade. I keep wondering what he would be wearing, if he would have the same Wall-E backpack, and about how excited he would be. I'm sure he would be wearing a plaid or polo shirt. I wish I could hear all about his day. I wish I could just pick him up from school like that's where he's been this whole time. Life is NOT FAIR!! My life is not fair. Today, I am having a pity party. Pitiful me. I don't feel this way all of the time. The realization that he is not coming back is more real. The pain is bearable but my heart will always always be broken. Ugh.

A picture from the first day of last year. I miss you so much Noah. Your Daddy, Theo, and I love you. Today is Daddy's birthday. Wish you could have been here. You are always here with us though because we will always love you and that love makes you a part of us. This is not where it ends. See you later my pal. 

What Would Jesus Do? (and a little soap-boxing)

"Jesus wept." John 11:35. Why? Because his friend Lazarus, whom he loved, died. Two verses before that says, "Therefore, when Jesus saw her [Mary, this sister of Lazarus] weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled." According to Pastor Greg Laurie, the greek work for "troubled" could be translated to "angry." Jesus was angry at death. He was sad because his friend was dead and the people who loved him were full of sorrow. I can be angry at death and sad that Noah is gone. I'm going to feel this way for as long as I need to.

Most of you know what happens next in the story of Lazarus. ³⁸ So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. ³⁹ Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” ⁴⁰ Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” ⁴¹ So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said,“Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. ⁴² I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” ⁴³ When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.” ⁴⁴ The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” 

I find it interesting that both Mary and Martha questioned Jesus and told him that he had been there their brother would not be dead. Little did they know, God had amazing things planned for them. Noah isn't coming back to me. I will go to him in Heaven. If I believe I will see the glory of God. "For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT. My present troubles are NOT small, but thinking eternally, they may be quite small. 

Someone suggested to me in an indirect way that my focus in Heaven should be on God and not Noah. First of all, that hurt my feelings. Second of all, you don't know my heart. My son is dead. There, I said it. The only thing that gets me through is the HOPE of seeing him in Heaven WITH Jesus. Of course I want more than anything to see my Creator, Savior, Counselor. I get to be in His presence with my son. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but I know enough and have been given enough validation through my prayers, scripture, and other people God has spoken through to have faith that dream will come true. If you've never read the book Heaven is for Real, you should read it. Also, before you decide to tell me how to grieve, take a moment and think about the pain of losing a child, or anyone you love so dearly. Ok, gettin' down off my soap box now. 

Hope

I wish I could come up with the words to express the pain of losing a child, just so you could know the power of God's peace and comfort in a time of darkness. Sometimes the image of finding his little body without his soul floods through my mind and I feel like the room is spinning. Everything else fades and I'm in a far away place. A dark place. Soon after that the image of Noah in Heaven that I had in my dream comes to my mind. I hold on to that for dear life.

I've never experienced His presence like I have since Noah left. God really does show himself when we need Him most. He is always there, but when there is absolutely no where else for us to turn, he gives his light of Hope. I like how He reveals himself through my family and friends. Friends who promised to walk down this road with me, pray for us, remind me that every day here is a day closer to Heaven, and friends who tell me that this just plain sucks. Also, my little Theo running through the halls at church telling everyone that God helps us, something he learned in Sunday School. Prayer is what allows me to have peace throughout the day. I know when someone is praying for me. That may sound crazy to some, but it's my truth.

To me, grief isn't something you get over, it's something you get through. I'll have to move through this life on earth without Noah. That was not my plan, and it really sucks, but it is what it is. I'm going to hold on his memory and cherish the joy that he brought to our lives. Eight months ago today was the last time I hugged my pal. Ugh, I so wish I could just hug him again and never let go. Someday. That's what hope is all about. Hope that I will see him again, along with my Savior. Hope that one day on this earth the joy of Noah will come first to my mind instead of the constant reminder that he's not here with me.

One of my favorite pictures of him at the beach. 

He loved to look at maps and pretend to tell me where to go. Well,  I don't think he was pretending. I miss those brown eyes. 

Alone

I feel so alone. Alone and discouraged. God, I just can't be strong on my own. Help me. Help me find Your strength. So many people in my life are happy but I am sad. I feel that I'm being punished, even though I don't think You work that way. Noah was full of so much joy and compassion. I feel like my joy and compassion were ripped from me when he left. I just don't know what to do anymore. So much sadness, anger, and depression. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I know there is hope. I know there is joy. It's just hard to see right now. Guess it's just one of those rough days.

OK

There are two things I struggle with the most; being bitter and pretending that I'm not. I've always loathed bitterness. It has the ability to suck you in to a deep dark hole. I do NOT want to be there. I don't want that darkness hanging over me because I'm afraid that it will cause me to miss the healing and comfort that God has in store for me. But. When I'm around so many people who seem happy I just get discouraged because I don't feel that way. I am just tired of pretending that everything is ok. I am not saying that I don't have moments where I allow joy and laughter in, I do. The joy of the Lord is my strength, right? Sometimes it's just hard. It's hard for me to smile and say "ok" when someone asks how I'm doing. I AM NOT OK. I'm sad and I miss Noah SO MUCH. I can't really say that though. I don't think people will continue to ask me that if that was my response. So, for now, I'll just say "ok." It's the best that I can do. Honestly, in the end, everything will be ok. The end just seems so far away. One of my good friends reminded me the other day that when I get to Heaven, Noah won't know how long it took me to get there. Also, I won't know either. There's no time in Heaven. All our tears will be wiped away!!!

As I was praying to God the other day I asked, "why couldn't You have waited until I died before you took Noah?" I know it is not my place to question God. I'm just being honest here. During my prayer I thought, what if I had died before Noah? How much pain would that have caused him? How much pain would he have to endure with any one in our family leaving before him? My son will never know the pain of losing someone, for that, I am thankful.

Petition

Please take a moment to sign the petition for the Oklahoma City medical examiners to take action in decreasing the amount of time it takes to get results back to grieving families. We have waited 7 months now and they're still telling us to wait! The beginning time frame was 4-6 months. They need to increase funding so they can hire more examiners. They're excuse to me is that they have an increased case load. It is really not fair to us to have to wait this long!!

https://www.change.org/petitions/state-of-oklahoma-and-gov-mary-fallin-urge-oklahoma-to-increase-staffing-for-the-medical-examiner-office

Thank you for your support!!

Empty

Life when someone you love so much leaves this earth becomes empty. Not only do I feel empty inside but a lot of things around me are empty.

An empty chair at the dinner table where Noah sat. 

Empty shoes that he will never wear. 

An empty bed where no more bedtime stories are read, no more prayers together at night, no more saying "good morning Noah, time to get up for school." 

Empty spot next to his brother. 

My empty hand where his hand used to be. 

Empty seat in the car. 

Empty arms waiting for his hug.

EMPTY.

Sometimes when I'm in a crowd, with friends, or even just by myself I want to yell, "I MISS NOAH!!!" I HATE feeling empty. Yes, I know that I'm filled with the love of my family and friends and God. It's just the way I feel right now. This feeling is so suffocating sometimes and I don't know what to do. Why does my life have to be like this??? For what purpose GOD? God, I need your strength. Your comfort. Your peace. 

Complaint

Did you know there are more psalms of complaint in the Bible than there are of thanksgiving? Complaints are being honest with God. Complaining to God about how I feel and how I think death really sucks, allows me to be open to His comfort. He is not shocked by our despair. Even though the pain is so suffocating sometimes that I can't see past the fog that is my grief, I know that there is an end to this suffering. Death is defeated in Christ. I know where I'm going when I die, Heaven. That is where my son is. When I get there, all of the pain and tears of his death will be wiped away. While I wait for that day, I will weep with hope.

One night this week I was crying in bed and asking God for a glimpse of Noah in Heaven. I thought that if I just thought about Noah while I went to sleep I would see him in my dreams. A few hours of sleep later, I was suddenly awaked by the sound of Theo giggling. He had been sleeping in my room because my family had been visiting. He was just giggling in his sleep, like he was dreaming. Steven was away on a business trip. The next morning I received a text from Steven that said he had a dream about Noah. He was sifting through his closet and found him the back. He started to tickle Noah and he giggled. Steven said he woke up laughing. Maybe they had the same dream?? I'm not making this story up, folks, it's all true. I honestly believe God gave us yet another glimpse of Heaven.

This was from our trip to the beach last week with my family. I just thought it was a neat photo.  Theo's drawing in the sand next to Noah's name looked like a heart. 

Bitter

I'm really struggling with bitterness lately. Yes, I'm aware that I have plenty of things to be thankful for. But. I get so frustrated hearing people complain about things that don't matter. I know it's not fair to feel that way, they didn't cause my life to be like this, so I shouldn't expect everyone else who isn't hurting to be happy 100% of the time. Still, it bothers me. I'm just bitter. That's what Satan wants. He wants me to be bitter. Someday I am going to have to make a decision to throw that bitterness and despair away and give it to God. I feel like I can't let go of it right now. I'm not saying I feel this way all of the time, just moments throughout the day. Maybe this is a normal process in my grief journey. I know God won't give up on me.

Tuesday of this week I attended a life celebration service for a wonderful woman of God, Leta. She and her husband were Noah's Sunday School teachers when he was 3 and 4 years old. She taught my son about God and now they are together in the presence of Him. My pastor said a few things that I don't want to forget. His daughter Tish went to Heaven several years ago in a car accident. He said when people apologized for his loss he would have to say that he didn't lose his daughter, he knew where she was. She is in Heaven. I still can't say that Noah died. How could he have died if he is living in Heaven? I just can't say "dead." I don't believe it to be true in that sense. Pastor Norm also told the family of Leta that sometimes they will have a glimpse of Heaven, the veil will be pulled away for just a second. I know what he's talking about. The rainbow picture I found, the little things that Theo says, things that I find of Noah's, and other things that are too special to me to share -- all glimpses of Heaven. You could also call them blessings from God. See, if Pastor Norm says that we will experience those things, then I am not crazy!