Monday, April 29, 2013

5 months

Five months ago today my little boy left this earth.  Maybe that's why today is so hard.  Sometimes I feel like I need to say I hate my life, even though I don't hate it in general.  I hate that life has to go on without my Noah.  Geez, I miss that boy so much!!  The pain is just so suffocating sometimes.

There's a song by Laura Story that I've loved for a while.  It has more meaning for me now.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

I just love it so much.  I love how music is healing.  I realized a few weeks ago that when I worship, sing praises to God, Noah is also singing to the same God, only in Heaven. Not only am I connected to Noah in the fact that he is a part of me, but I'm also connected to him through our Heavenly Father.  When I start to see the images of finding Noah that morning five months ago I try really, really hard to picture him in Heaven instead.  I know I've talked about this before.  To be honest, it is getting easier to do that.  Some days are easier than others.   I'm thankful for those answered prayers.

This weekend, about 50 of my friends and my aunt walked in the March for Babies in honor of Noah. We raised $2,309! Southwest Washington and Oregon together raised over $1 million! I was scared that the day was going to be really hard for me.  We have walked with Noah several times before in the March for Babies.  Having such a great group of friends for support was truly a blessing to us.  I love our church family.  Doing good things helps heal the heart.  I am sure Noah is proud of us.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I suppose it's true.  He really is gone.  My friend Jenn and I took a trip to Oklahoma last weekend to visit Noah's spot, I don't want to call it a grave.  This was the first time I had seen his marker.  I had a knot in the pit of my stomach on the drive to the cemetery.  I knew seeing it was going to be hard, I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  Walking up the sidewalk to the Garden of Angels, where all of the children are buried, I couldn't hold back my tears.  Once I got closer I just broke down, sobbed uncontrollably and loudly.  If I didn't have people there supporting me I probably would have been a lot louder.  After touching the marker with my hands just so that I would know in my head that it was real, God reminded me that Noah is with him.  I had asked a few friends to pray for the trip and for me while I was there.  I am sure someone prayed for that.  In fact, I know someone did.  Someone also prayed that I would feel the presence of God, and I did.

There was another spot a few feet away that had a large pinwheel.  I wanted one for Noah's spot so we picked one up at Hobby Lobby and brought it there on our second visit.  In my heart I want these images to represent the fact that Noah is in Heaven.  He's in a perfect place with no hate, sadness, betrayal, anger, insecurities, tears, selfishness, etc. I don't want this grave to represent death like it is supposed to, I want it to represent life in Heaven.  I am not sure my mind is going to let me do that, though.  

You might not be able to see them, but we let some balloons go while we were there. 

When we returned to Portland there was a double rainbow to greet us.  Rainbows have a "double" meaning for me.  They represent God's love and mercy for us.  They also represent Noah being with Jesus. 
I posted this picture in January I think.  The day I had taken the Christmas tree down I cried out to God to show me that Noah was with him.  For some reason, I decided to move the furniture around.  I found this picture under the couch.  Noah in front of a rainbow.  I still have no idea where that paper came from and had no idea he had drawn it.  Revelation 4:3 says there's a rainbow shining like an emerald that encircles the throne in Heaven.  I'm sure Noah has seen that rainbow. 

Thank you to my friends and family who have supported us during this most difficult time of our lives. It still hurts tremendously.  I miss him so much and think about him constantly.  It's hard to think about living on this earth without him, but this life here is only temporary.  I know God's love and mercy are abundant. 

Monday, April 1, 2013


Looking back on last week, I can see where God was working on my heart.  Most every night I cried right before I went to sleep.  I just get so bitter and sad sometimes.  I feel like I can't breath because I just want to have Noah back.  It's like there's a battlefield in my mind. One minute I'm ok (at least as ok as I can be) and the next minute I'm angry.  I got so worked up that I snapped at Steven for no reason one night.  That night I kept waking up several times.  Once I just woke up thinking about God.  I can't really explain what I was thinking about exactly, I just know that my mind was on Him.  I learned the next day that my friend Laura from church had prayed for me that night.  She was having a hard time sleeping so she decided to pray, for me.

On another hard night, I had a dream about Noah.  I was crying in my dream and then he was hugging me.  I couldn't see him, but I could feel that it was him.  The next part of the dream I told him that I loved him and I heard him say, "I love you too, Mom." I couldn't see his face but I could tell that he was wearing white.  I loved hearing him say that. 

We attend a Grief Share class once a week.  Last week's lesson was entitled, "Why?" We were all very intrigued by this topic, wondering if they actually had the answer. There really isn't an answer to that question.  I learned that it is ok to ask God questions, but He doesn't promise that he will answer all of them.  We don't have the capacity to understand God.  He wants us to trust him, not judge him with asking "why?"  Honestly, I'm not here yet.  Yes, I trust God, and know he will "cause everything to work together for the good."  But, I still have to wonder why Noah was taken from me.  I still want to be selfish.  I can't help it, I'm broken and imperfect.  God isn't shocked by my despair.  He knows my heart.  I just pray that He will continue to heal it.  

This Easter weekend I was reminded that God is the Father of comfort and peace beyond all understanding.  I found joy in doing the Easter traditions with Theo that Noah would have loved.  Although, it is hard to see Theo doing these things without his best friend there beside him.  On the way to an Easter egg hunt he said, "we miss Noah."  He's also been asking to go get him more often than he has been.  I'm looking forward to the day when Theo will understand what Heaven is.  As we celebrated the resurrection of Jesus on Sunday, all I could think about was that Noah was in the presence of Jesus.  Can you imagine?  I just had this overwhelming peace that day.  It was actually a little scary.  I'm not ready to feel that joyful yet.  

Hi Pal. We missed you while we were coloring Easter eggs.  Theo was so excited to color them. I know you would have been too. 
We made a special egg just for you.  
Theo wore the same jacket you wore when you were 3. He also wore his Noah pin.  He loves to wear it.  He sure misses you. I know that your Easter celebration was something special in Heaven. I love you so much Noah.