Wednesday, January 13, 2016

9th Birthday

Wow, it has been a while since I have written about my grief. Today is Noah's birthday. He would have been 9. I wonder what he would have been in to at this age. Legos? Minecraft? Books? I'll never know. It's still not fair. I miss him so. Even though the pain is still so real, God has been good to provide healing. I don't wake up every morning not wanting to face the day. There are still days like that, but not every single day. I no longer tell myself I just want to die. I'm not bitter towards other moms who have two or more kids. The death of a child certainly changes you. With the pain comes an incredible gift, a glimpse into Heaven. I haven't seen it, but I feel that I have. The bond I have with Noah cannot be broken. Since I have "seen" Heaven, my view of this world is different. This is not my home. 

While sitting next to Theo on his bed last night, my mind started to wander to Noah. What was he doing in Heaven? Does he get to celebrate his birthday? Theo noticed the look on my face and asked if I was thinking about school. That must be what he thinks about a lot. I said I was thinking of Noah. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Noah is always with us. Heaven is in this world." I said, "you think so?" He answered, "I am right." How did he get so wise? What if he is right? What if the veil between this world and Heaven is so thin that they really are with us? I'd like to think so. If you've read this far, thank you. If you have experienced the pain of grief, I hope and pray you have also felt the peace and healing that only God can give. Trust me, if you open your heart just a tiny bit, that is big enough for God. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What Death Means to a Little Brother

I hadn't actually told Theo that Noah died. I've only said that he went to Heaven. I didn't think he was ready to hear what that actually meant. The time would come when I wouldn't be able to hold off any longer. Well, last week it came up a couple of times. I lightly touched on the subject after each time. Yesterday, he asked, "When we die, do we get to stay home?" "No," I said. "When we die, if we love Jesus, we go to live in Heaven. Usually people go to Heaven a very long time from now but your brother was sick. So, he got to go to Heaven early." He thought about that for a bit and then asked, "is Noah still sick?" I replied, "No, you are never sick in Heaven." Then he said, "Noah loves to play with me. He loves rocket ships and cars." So, that conversation wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. It was the start of a future conversation on what it really means to love Jesus and how to get to Heaven for eternity. I'd like Theo to know that Noah is not really dead. As far as this awful world is concerned, he is, but by Heavenly standards, he lives.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

He is Still Missed… and Loved

Yesterday Theo said, "Mommy, I love you." He then ran to get this picture. It sits in a small frame on the entry table. He said, "I love my Noah. I miss my Noah. He's at Heaven." I love and miss him, too. While I am thankful that Theo remembers his older brother and knows where he is, the unfairness is more than I can handle sometimes. It is not fair that his best friend is gone. I am certain that I am not as much fun to play with as Noah would be. I know that there are plenty of kids without siblings and that everyone suffers a loss at times in their lives. This just wasn't my plan. I've lost the future that I thought my family was going to have. People told me the second year of grief could be harder than the first. I didn't believe that at first. There's no set plan or structure for the process of grief, but I think there are things that do make it harder after the shock wears off. Life has moved on for the world around me, but I am still here in my grief. My body is tired of being strong. I have anxiety and had to seek help for it. I'm aware that my plans can never be certain and I am not in control. God never promised life would be easy, but he did promise that He would walk with us through this life.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Life Goes On

I haven't blogged in a while, unless you count the last short post that was desperately written in the middle of the night. I've been struggling with how to deal with this world and how it seems to be pulling me forward when all I want to do is mourn. I've been so grumpy I didn't even blog about Noah's birthday. It has been 1 year and 2 months since he went to Heaven. I have to learn to put on a smile even when I don't feel like it, to put all my bitterness aside when people talk about their kids going to school, growing up, turning 7, etc. Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying I don't want them to talk about that with me, I'm just learning to be ok with hearing it. My grief is old news to others, but not to me. I'm not complaining, just stating the truth. That's how life works. It moves forward.

Living with grief is hard. It's a constant roller coaster ride. You can be fine one minute and then completely hysterical the next. When I go in Noah's room it often ends up being one of those hysterical moments. A few weeks ago I was so angry I called out to God, "why did you take him from me?! Just let me be SAD!!" What would His answer be? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think it would be along the lines of, "Ok, I will let you be sad, but I am not leaving you. I am your God and this is not for you to understand. You are mine. I am with you in your grief and I am with Noah. Be sad, but take my comfort. I am Lord of Heaven AND earth. 'Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you." I think it's important to bring these fears to God. I think He wants that. In a time of grief I'm sure it's normal to have those doubts and fears. I just have to remember that God did not take my Noah, he called him to Heaven to be with Him forever. Noah was here for as long as he could be. Every time I look at his picture and sadness overcomes me, I think of one word, "Heaven."

February 2012

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Why does Heaven seem so far away? The sadness of this life is almost unbearable at times.

Thursday, December 26, 2013


I still wake up every single morning thinking about Noah and the fact that he is not here. Each day is a battle against depression. Now that the shock has warn off completely, the infinite earthly reality has set  in. I will never see, hug, or talk to Noah again for as long as I'm living on this earth. I'm only 32. The thought of living so many more years is sometimes daunting. This life is still worth living, though. I'm surrendering to this life.  I pray for a "drop of grace to carry me through this day." (For King & Country)

This Christmas season I also struggled with guilt. I experienced joy this month more than I have this entire year. How can I have joy when all I want to do is be sad?? Maybe God is working on my heart. My pastor used a metaphor to explain this struggle to me. He said that happiness is an island and grief is the sea. You can have both at the same time. Joy in the midst of grief. I think I've talked about this before. Maybe it's a thought I should cling to. On Christmas morning my husband and I both woke up around 4am, thinking about Noah. He started to cry and I told him it would be ok. His response was that he wasn't really sad, but humble. Humble? Humble because God sent his son Jesus and what that means for us -- the true meaning of Christmas. Joy in the midst of grief. I love that husband of mine.

Psalm 84:1-5 -- "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young at your alters, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you."

Wow. How fitting this is for me. My soul does long for Heaven. I love metaphors, obviously. I compare myself to the sparrow and swallow. I've found a home and made my nest. An earthly home for now and then a heavenly home. Noah is in the dwelling place of the Lord, singing His praise and is blessed. I am blessed by the strength that only comes from God.

Steven and Theo this Christmas.
These two make me smile. I don't know what I would do without them.
Noah was certainly missed that day (and every day). 

Monday, December 2, 2013

One Year

There just aren't enough words to express how much I miss him. No words at all really. It has been a year since he went to Heaven. I'm still holding on to the memory of our last hug. If only I could hug him again and never let go. The day Noah left I had no idea how I was going to live this life without him. I still have the images almost daily of finding him that morning. The image of his daddy holding him one last time while the paramedics arrived. Oh death, you are so painful. Oh God, please continue to restore my soul! Don't let this strength I have in You fade. I wish he could tell me what Heaven is like. How bright are the colors? How often do the angels sing? What does Noah do there? Are the dreams that I've had about him there really glimpses of Heaven? His prayers were often, "Dear God, thank you for Mom and Dad, me and Feo. I had a good day today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen." Did God say, "you're welcome."?

Theo still asks about him. He often says, "my Noah be back in a minute." Oh how I miss seeing them play together. Noah was Theo's best friend. I hope and pray he will always feel connected with Noah somehow. Quite often I wish he could be here to do things with us, like go to a movie or play at the park. I'm not sad for him, sad for us. I know I've said that a million times.

I knew this one year anniversary was going to be very hard so I had to think of a way to celebrate his life and what kind of boy he is. Just like I planned his 5th birthday party for months, I planned this event for that long. We called it the Be Kind campaign. The idea was for people to do an act of kindness for someone else and leave a card behind that said it was in loving memory of Noah. He was such a kind and gentle friend so we thought this was the perfect way to remember him. Many acts have been done so far and I hope it continues.

I have great joy in knowing with all of my heart that he is safe and with God. The hope that I will see him one day has been my crutch. I dream of the day when I get to see Jesus face to face and then He will take me to see Noah. I also dream of the day when the four of us can be together again. Thank you God for Heaven and all of it's joy! While we wait to get there, we will make sure that his life will leave an impact on this earth and will continue to share his kindness.