Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Yesterday Theo said, "Mommy, I love you." He then ran to get this picture. It sits in a small frame on the entry table. He said, "I love my Noah. I miss my Noah. He's at Heaven." I love and miss him, too. While I am thankful that Theo remembers his older brother and knows where he is, the unfairness is more than I can handle sometimes. It is not fair that his best friend is gone. I am certain that I am not as much fun to play with as Noah would be. I know that there are plenty of kids without siblings and that everyone suffers a loss at times in their lives. This just wasn't my plan. I've lost the future that I thought my family was going to have. People told me the second year of grief could be harder than the first. I didn't believe that at first. There's no set plan or structure for the process of grief, but I think there are things that do make it harder after the shock wears off. Life has moved on for the world around me, but I am still here in my grief. My body is tired of being strong. I have anxiety and had to seek help for it. I'm aware that my plans can never be certain and I am not in control. God never promised life would be easy, but he did promise that He would walk with us through this life.