Bitter

I'm really struggling with bitterness lately. Yes, I'm aware that I have plenty of things to be thankful for. But. I get so frustrated hearing people complain about things that don't matter. I know it's not fair to feel that way, they didn't cause my life to be like this, so I shouldn't expect everyone else who isn't hurting to be happy 100% of the time. Still, it bothers me. I'm just bitter. That's what Satan wants. He wants me to be bitter. Someday I am going to have to make a decision to throw that bitterness and despair away and give it to God. I feel like I can't let go of it right now. I'm not saying I feel this way all of the time, just moments throughout the day. Maybe this is a normal process in my grief journey. I know God won't give up on me.

Tuesday of this week I attended a life celebration service for a wonderful woman of God, Leta. She and her husband were Noah's Sunday School teachers when he was 3 and 4 years old. She taught my son about God and now they are together in the presence of Him. My pastor said a few things that I don't want to forget. His daughter Tish went to Heaven several years ago in a car accident. He said when people apologized for his loss he would have to say that he didn't lose his daughter, he knew where she was. She is in Heaven. I still can't say that Noah died. How could he have died if he is living in Heaven? I just can't say "dead." I don't believe it to be true in that sense. Pastor Norm also told the family of Leta that sometimes they will have a glimpse of Heaven, the veil will be pulled away for just a second. I know what he's talking about. The rainbow picture I found, the little things that Theo says, things that I find of Noah's, and other things that are too special to me to share -- all glimpses of Heaven. You could also call them blessings from God. See, if Pastor Norm says that we will experience those things, then I am not crazy!

Guess What

"Hey Mom, guess what!" Noah would always say. Often times there was no response to "what Noah?" He just said that to get your attention. A few months after Noah left Theo started saying it, too. He usually says it in the car. A couple of days before Mother's Day we were driving somewhere and from the backseat I heard, "hey Mom, guess what." My automatic response is, "what Theo?" followed by mind going back to what I was thinking about because I know he won't say anything after that. To my surprise he said, "I'm happy." The tears immediately started to fall. You may think I'm crazy, but my first thought was to thank God for sending me a message about Noah. I was telling this story to a very close friend of mine. I left out the part that I thought would make me sound crazy, but again, to my surprise, she had the same thought. So, maybe I'm not crazy after all! Well, I probably am, but not completely.

This Mother's Day was tough, more so than I thought it was going to be. I kept telling myself to be thankful that I am the mother of two amazing boys. I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I was denied a hug and a drawing from Noah. I have always loved his artwork, as any other mother loves her child's creations. I think that was the hardest part for me. Thankfully, I had friends and my husband and Theo to hug on. My friend's daughter Lauren gave me so many hugs that day I lost count! What a blessing she is to me.

Steven gave me this, along with flowers and a special card, as a mother's day gift. His title is "kindness." Just like my Noah. He had a spirit of kindness that always impressed me. Steven wished he could have brought Noah home to me for Mother's Day. I wished that, too. Alas, that can't happen. Noah will always be our son, though. We will always love him and that love will forever be with us.

The flowers I received from Steven along with a rose from my friend Elizabeth.

Today is Theo's 3rd birthday. Happy Birthday little brother! We went to the children's museum today to celebrate. We'll have another party with a few friends. Theo will never know how much of a hero he is to me.

I have this fear that Theo won't remember all of the things he knows about Noah. He's only 3, I don't remember a whole lot from when I turned 3. A man in our Grief Share class suggested I write a letter to Theo talking about the relationship he had with his brother and describing Noah. I would have to tell Theo that Noah loved him so much. He was always looking out for him. He called him "Feo." I can still hear him say, "Feo!" when he would get frustrated with Theo. Noah would always be there to help Theo when he would get frustrated with something. Noah loved to sing Theo a song at bedtime. 

Go to sleep Theo

Sweet dreams Theo

We'll play again in the morning

And have fun tomorrow.

Then he would give him a hug or blow him a kiss and say "I love you, Feo, goodnight." Sure there were times when they would argue, but not very often, mainly because Noah was pretty patient. For the most part, their relationship was special. They were best friends. I'm sad that Noah can't be here to spend Theo's birthday with him.