Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What Death Means to a Little Brother

I hadn't actually told Theo that Noah died. I've only said that he went to Heaven. I didn't think he was ready to hear what that actually meant. The time would come when I wouldn't be able to hold off any longer. Well, last week it came up a couple of times. I lightly touched on the subject after each time. Yesterday, he asked, "When we die, do we get to stay home?" "No," I said. "When we die, if we love Jesus, we go to live in Heaven. Usually people go to Heaven a very long time from now but your brother was sick. So, he got to go to Heaven early." He thought about that for a bit and then asked, "is Noah still sick?" I replied, "No, you are never sick in Heaven." Then he said, "Noah loves to play with me. He loves rocket ships and cars." So, that conversation wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. It was the start of a future conversation on what it really means to love Jesus and how to get to Heaven for eternity. I'd like Theo to know that Noah is not really dead. As far as this awful world is concerned, he is, but by Heavenly standards, he lives.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

He is Still Missed… and Loved

Yesterday Theo said, "Mommy, I love you." He then ran to get this picture. It sits in a small frame on the entry table. He said, "I love my Noah. I miss my Noah. He's at Heaven." I love and miss him, too. While I am thankful that Theo remembers his older brother and knows where he is, the unfairness is more than I can handle sometimes. It is not fair that his best friend is gone. I am certain that I am not as much fun to play with as Noah would be. I know that there are plenty of kids without siblings and that everyone suffers a loss at times in their lives. This just wasn't my plan. I've lost the future that I thought my family was going to have. People told me the second year of grief could be harder than the first. I didn't believe that at first. There's no set plan or structure for the process of grief, but I think there are things that do make it harder after the shock wears off. Life has moved on for the world around me, but I am still here in my grief. My body is tired of being strong. I have anxiety and had to seek help for it. I'm aware that my plans can never be certain and I am not in control. God never promised life would be easy, but he did promise that He would walk with us through this life.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Life Goes On

I haven't blogged in a while, unless you count the last short post that was desperately written in the middle of the night. I've been struggling with how to deal with this world and how it seems to be pulling me forward when all I want to do is mourn. I've been so grumpy I didn't even blog about Noah's birthday. It has been 1 year and 2 months since he went to Heaven. I have to learn to put on a smile even when I don't feel like it, to put all my bitterness aside when people talk about their kids going to school, growing up, turning 7, etc. Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying I don't want them to talk about that with me, I'm just learning to be ok with hearing it. My grief is old news to others, but not to me. I'm not complaining, just stating the truth. That's how life works. It moves forward.

Living with grief is hard. It's a constant roller coaster ride. You can be fine one minute and then completely hysterical the next. When I go in Noah's room it often ends up being one of those hysterical moments. A few weeks ago I was so angry I called out to God, "why did you take him from me?! Just let me be SAD!!" What would His answer be? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think it would be along the lines of, "Ok, I will let you be sad, but I am not leaving you. I am your God and this is not for you to understand. You are mine. I am with you in your grief and I am with Noah. Be sad, but take my comfort. I am Lord of Heaven AND earth. 'Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you." I think it's important to bring these fears to God. I think He wants that. In a time of grief I'm sure it's normal to have those doubts and fears. I just have to remember that God did not take my Noah, he called him to Heaven to be with Him forever. Noah was here for as long as he could be. Every time I look at his picture and sadness overcomes me, I think of one word, "Heaven."

February 2012

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Why does Heaven seem so far away? The sadness of this life is almost unbearable at times.