Monday, February 3, 2014

Life Goes On

I haven't blogged in a while, unless you count the last short post that was desperately written in the middle of the night. I've been struggling with how to deal with this world and how it seems to be pulling me forward when all I want to do is mourn. I've been so grumpy I didn't even blog about Noah's birthday. It has been 1 year and 2 months since he went to Heaven. I have to learn to put on a smile even when I don't feel like it, to put all my bitterness aside when people talk about their kids going to school, growing up, turning 7, etc. Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying I don't want them to talk about that with me, I'm just learning to be ok with hearing it. My grief is old news to others, but not to me. I'm not complaining, just stating the truth. That's how life works. It moves forward.

Living with grief is hard. It's a constant roller coaster ride. You can be fine one minute and then completely hysterical the next. When I go in Noah's room it often ends up being one of those hysterical moments. A few weeks ago I was so angry I called out to God, "why did you take him from me?! Just let me be SAD!!" What would His answer be? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think it would be along the lines of, "Ok, I will let you be sad, but I am not leaving you. I am your God and this is not for you to understand. You are mine. I am with you in your grief and I am with Noah. Be sad, but take my comfort. I am Lord of Heaven AND earth. 'Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you." I think it's important to bring these fears to God. I think He wants that. In a time of grief I'm sure it's normal to have those doubts and fears. I just have to remember that God did not take my Noah, he called him to Heaven to be with Him forever. Noah was here for as long as he could be. Every time I look at his picture and sadness overcomes me, I think of one word, "Heaven."

February 2012