Wednesday, January 13, 2016

9th Birthday

Wow, it has been a while since I have written about my grief. Today is Noah's birthday. He would have been 9. I wonder what he would have been in to at this age. Legos? Minecraft? Books? I'll never know. It's still not fair. I miss him so. Even though the pain is still so real, God has been good to provide healing. I don't wake up every morning not wanting to face the day. There are still days like that, but not every single day. I no longer tell myself I just want to die. I'm not bitter towards other moms who have two or more kids. The death of a child certainly changes you. With the pain comes an incredible gift, a glimpse into Heaven. I haven't seen it, but I feel that I have. The bond I have with Noah cannot be broken. Since I have "seen" Heaven, my view of this world is different. This is not my home. 

While sitting next to Theo on his bed last night, my mind started to wander to Noah. What was he doing in Heaven? Does he get to celebrate his birthday? Theo noticed the look on my face and asked if I was thinking about school. That must be what he thinks about a lot. I said I was thinking of Noah. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Noah is always with us. Heaven is in this world." I said, "you think so?" He answered, "I am right." How did he get so wise? What if he is right? What if the veil between this world and Heaven is so thin that they really are with us? I'd like to think so. If you've read this far, thank you. If you have experienced the pain of grief, I hope and pray you have also felt the peace and healing that only God can give. Trust me, if you open your heart just a tiny bit, that is big enough for God. 

1 comment:

Lorenne said...

Thank you so much for sharing that. Your post gave me needed comfort and hope. I'm coming up on my 4-year-old daughter's 4th Angel Day next week. I'm sure God and angels sometimes speak through our little children. Sending love and prayers your way from a fellow Angel mom.