Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Reality



I suppose it's true.  He really is gone.  My friend Jenn and I took a trip to Oklahoma last weekend to visit Noah's spot, I don't want to call it a grave.  This was the first time I had seen his marker.  I had a knot in the pit of my stomach on the drive to the cemetery.  I knew seeing it was going to be hard, I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  Walking up the sidewalk to the Garden of Angels, where all of the children are buried, I couldn't hold back my tears.  Once I got closer I just broke down, sobbed uncontrollably and loudly.  If I didn't have people there supporting me I probably would have been a lot louder.  After touching the marker with my hands just so that I would know in my head that it was real, God reminded me that Noah is with him.  I had asked a few friends to pray for the trip and for me while I was there.  I am sure someone prayed for that.  In fact, I know someone did.  Someone also prayed that I would feel the presence of God, and I did.



There was another spot a few feet away that had a large pinwheel.  I wanted one for Noah's spot so we picked one up at Hobby Lobby and brought it there on our second visit.  In my heart I want these images to represent the fact that Noah is in Heaven.  He's in a perfect place with no hate, sadness, betrayal, anger, insecurities, tears, selfishness, etc. I don't want this grave to represent death like it is supposed to, I want it to represent life in Heaven.  I am not sure my mind is going to let me do that, though.  

You might not be able to see them, but we let some balloons go while we were there. 

When we returned to Portland there was a double rainbow to greet us.  Rainbows have a "double" meaning for me.  They represent God's love and mercy for us.  They also represent Noah being with Jesus. 
I posted this picture in January I think.  The day I had taken the Christmas tree down I cried out to God to show me that Noah was with him.  For some reason, I decided to move the furniture around.  I found this picture under the couch.  Noah in front of a rainbow.  I still have no idea where that paper came from and had no idea he had drawn it.  Revelation 4:3 says there's a rainbow shining like an emerald that encircles the throne in Heaven.  I'm sure Noah has seen that rainbow. 

Thank you to my friends and family who have supported us during this most difficult time of our lives. It still hurts tremendously.  I miss him so much and think about him constantly.  It's hard to think about living on this earth without him, but this life here is only temporary.  I know God's love and mercy are abundant. 


1 comment:

Tiffany Hebb said...

Jenny,
Im so sorry you have to have a headstone for your child. Its just not fair. Hold onto your faith in seeing him again. Noah is watching you and guiding you back to Heavenly Father where we will all be united for eternity. xoxo