Monday, April 1, 2013


Looking back on last week, I can see where God was working on my heart.  Most every night I cried right before I went to sleep.  I just get so bitter and sad sometimes.  I feel like I can't breath because I just want to have Noah back.  It's like there's a battlefield in my mind. One minute I'm ok (at least as ok as I can be) and the next minute I'm angry.  I got so worked up that I snapped at Steven for no reason one night.  That night I kept waking up several times.  Once I just woke up thinking about God.  I can't really explain what I was thinking about exactly, I just know that my mind was on Him.  I learned the next day that my friend Laura from church had prayed for me that night.  She was having a hard time sleeping so she decided to pray, for me.

On another hard night, I had a dream about Noah.  I was crying in my dream and then he was hugging me.  I couldn't see him, but I could feel that it was him.  The next part of the dream I told him that I loved him and I heard him say, "I love you too, Mom." I couldn't see his face but I could tell that he was wearing white.  I loved hearing him say that. 

We attend a Grief Share class once a week.  Last week's lesson was entitled, "Why?" We were all very intrigued by this topic, wondering if they actually had the answer. There really isn't an answer to that question.  I learned that it is ok to ask God questions, but He doesn't promise that he will answer all of them.  We don't have the capacity to understand God.  He wants us to trust him, not judge him with asking "why?"  Honestly, I'm not here yet.  Yes, I trust God, and know he will "cause everything to work together for the good."  But, I still have to wonder why Noah was taken from me.  I still want to be selfish.  I can't help it, I'm broken and imperfect.  God isn't shocked by my despair.  He knows my heart.  I just pray that He will continue to heal it.  

This Easter weekend I was reminded that God is the Father of comfort and peace beyond all understanding.  I found joy in doing the Easter traditions with Theo that Noah would have loved.  Although, it is hard to see Theo doing these things without his best friend there beside him.  On the way to an Easter egg hunt he said, "we miss Noah."  He's also been asking to go get him more often than he has been.  I'm looking forward to the day when Theo will understand what Heaven is.  As we celebrated the resurrection of Jesus on Sunday, all I could think about was that Noah was in the presence of Jesus.  Can you imagine?  I just had this overwhelming peace that day.  It was actually a little scary.  I'm not ready to feel that joyful yet.  

Hi Pal. We missed you while we were coloring Easter eggs.  Theo was so excited to color them. I know you would have been too. 
We made a special egg just for you.  
Theo wore the same jacket you wore when you were 3. He also wore his Noah pin.  He loves to wear it.  He sure misses you. I know that your Easter celebration was something special in Heaven. I love you so much Noah. 

1 comment:

Dianne Hamm said...

Jenny you have such a way with words and a beautiful soul.I wish as much peace and joy as you are willing to except for yourself.hugs to you.