I wish someone could come and bear my burdens, just for a while. I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of smiling when I don't feel like it. If I have a day where things are just hard I get really tired. Grief affects a lot of aspects of my life. My relationships with friends or family have changed. Some are stronger now and some relationships are just simply over. I can't handle stress the same way. Yesterday was Palm Sunday. At our church some of the kids participate in a parade through the sanctuary during worship with palm branches. I've never actually seen Noah participate, but this would have been his last year to do it. At first I thought I should hide out because I knew it was going to be hard for me. I decided to stay and watch. It was hard for me to see his friends without him there. My friend Jenn told me earlier in the week to think about Noah doing the same parade in Heaven, in front of Jesus. I didn't think about that until later. It would have helped. Instead I took a little break after they left and cried in the bathroom. Thank you to the lady who knocked on the door and told me she was praying for me, whoever you were. Not only was I having a difficult morning because of that, but Theo was also having some issues. He sometimes has difficulty getting a handle on his aggression and grumpiness. Don't we all? When we were on our way home from lunch he told me that he missed Noah and then he fell asleep. Maybe that had something to do with his actions. I can see the change in him and how he is dealing with his brother being gone. That combined with his almost 3 year old behavior scares me a little. All I can do is pray for and love him and not worry about it so much. At least I can try not to.
All I could think about that morning was that life would just be better if Noah were here. That's the first thing that comes to mind when anything difficult happens. It doesn't even have to be related to Noah. One of my fellow grieving mothers and I talked about this recently. Grief is all-consuming.
The lyrics of the song that I sang with the choir were very fitting yesterday. "I want Jesus to walk with me. In my trials Lord, walk with me. When my whole life becomes a burden, I want Jesus to walk with me. In my sorry Lord, please walk with me. When my poor heart is almost breaking, I want Jesus to walk with me." I have this burden of not having Noah here on this earth with me. Can Jesus bear this burden with me? Will He help me see that this life is not all there is? Can He help me understand that I will see Noah again in Heaven and on the New Earth and it will all be perfect? Will He teach me that it is all about Him and not about me?