Monday, March 4, 2013

What If?

Sometimes I get a sudden feeling that he's just going to come back. I see a picture of him and I feel like he's just in the next room. Then I come back to reality and remember that he is not coming back. Next comes "what if?" What if God could have saved Noah? I know He has the power. What if I would have had some supernatural motherly instinct that he was going to die? What if the symptoms that he had (if any) would have made him more sick so that we would have taken him to the hospital? What if, what if, what if?!

What if Noah's life had a purpose? Since he was born my brother has told me that he knew God had great plans for Noah. Some people might say that those plans are gone because he's gone at only 5 and a half years old.  Noah brought joy to our family. He changed us forever.  Let me tell you what Noah did for me. I became a Christian in 1998. Since then, there have been two roads I have walked; one following God's direction and the other not so much. Before Noah I was on the wrong road A LOT. I didn't know how to listen to Him. When I went in to labor with Noah at 24 weeks, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. I learned what it meant to pray without ceasing. I've prayed for him continuously. Through that prayer I became closer to God. I also learned how to love a person more than myself. Noah gave me joy. He will always be in my heart and on my mind. I will always cherish the joy he gives me. I thank the Lord for his gift to me. 

I have been asking God for an image of Noah in Heaven. I didn't want the image of him on the morning he passed away to be what I remember most. I wrote about this last week. A few days later I had a dream. I was looking through a window and I saw Noah. I was so excited. I waved at him. He winked at me. I remember his big brown eyes. Then I blew him a kiss. To my right I saw an animal. It was an alpaca. I have no idea why that's what I saw, but it's the truth. Haha. I pointed out the alpaca to him and then I saw him run over with a bunch of other kids. There were two boys with dark hair that stood out to me, not sure why. What if this dream was an answer to my prayer? What if that is what it's really like in Heaven? 

Noah is in a perfect place. He can't come back to me, but I will meet him there someday, when it's my time. My friend Melanie sent me this scripture: 

"He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:22-23

King David is talking about his son. He said, "I will go to him." We will see Noah again, in Heaven. I was talking to Steven about Heaven the other day. He made a good point. If we didn't have to suffer in this world, and experience pain, we wouldn't understand just how great and perfect Heaven is. I can only imagine. 

Hi pal! I love you so much! Daddy and Theo love you so much, too. I saw you in a dream the other night. It was so nice to see your face again. I hope you are making lots of friends in Heaven. You are such a good friend.
(photo taken Nov. 11th, 2012)


ann said...

Noah was my inspiration to quit smoking. I just couldn't stand that my grandson who was having a hard time breathing would smell tobacco smoke on his grandma. It took me a month but with prayers to God to help me quit smoking I did it. I have been a Christian for a long time but now my faith is stronger than ever. I miss Noah and cry every day. I know that when God calls me home, then Noah and I will be together. There is nothing like being a grandma. I have one grandson in heaven and one grandson sweet Theo here on earth. Noah I miss you and will see you one day.

The Mrs. said...

I love this! Noah has inspired Joseph in so many ways! If it had not been for Noah, Joseph would have been a different man when I met him. Praying for Noah brought him closer to God than he'd ever been! Maybe I never would have met Joseph if it hadn't been for Noah, who knows? When I found out Joseph had a nephew, I was so excited to know that I would soon be an aunt for the FIRST time! He was the perfect first nephew, and I'm so glad he was in our wedding. I will never forget the time and thought he put into that orange and purple rocket ornament he got me. His heart was so pure, and he had the best smile, and I am quite sure that smile is even bigger in Heaven, and I bet he sings louder than anyone else in the choir! That thought makes me smile!

Tiffany Hebb said...

All the "what ifs" are so hard but it is nice to say "whatif" this is a beautiful thing that we just dont understand. "what if"they are ok in heaven. I think of you often as my heart aches everyday. I love you Jenny. Kep moving forward. Tiny steps.