Yesterday I received a long-awaited phone call from the Medical Examiner's office in Oklahoma City. We've waited almost 11 months for the answer to this question, "why did our son die?" Here's the answer; no cause found, inconclusive. No cause found? They did every test they could think of. There is one test left that will take up to a year to get the results back, but that's the very last test. A genetic heart disease test. That doesn't mean that they think that's what it is. That is their last resort because it costs $5,000 and they don't have a lot of funding.
So, what am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to live my life never knowing what happened? My husband very wisely said that there is no hope in knowing, only hope in Heaven. If we would have known the cause I would always think about what I could have done to prevent it. How could a happy and presumably healthy boy just go to sleep and never wake up? Knowing that they couldn't find anything and his doctor didn't find anything in her scouring over his charts makes me believe that there's nothing we could have done. If there was something, we would have done it. There is one small voice that keeps saying, "why didn't God tell me there was something wrong? why didn't He make it more apparent?" It is not my place to question God. It is only my place to TRUST Him. Trust Him that he is in control. Perhaps it was His grace that we didn't find out the cause, as said by a good friend. I'm going to be honest, sometimes it is hard to trust that this will all be ok and that the joy will come. I think the only way to reach that trust is to ask Him for the strength to get there. Not just ask for extra strength, but God size strength.
I miss Noah so much. I really miss taking care of him. I'm so thankful that I have two boys. I don't know what I'd do without Theo. He'll never know how much he means to me. I was meant to be a mom. So now I have to parent him from here on this earth. One way I can think to do that is to attempt to bring purpose to his life and carry on his legacy that he left behind. That is why I'm embarking on the "Be Kind" campaign. I'm committing to continuing this campaign on November 29th for the rest of my life. I'm not doing it just for Noah, I'm doing it for myself, too. I think doing things for others will bring me joy. As I've said before, I'm searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow.
I just want to thank you all for your support throughout this very difficult time in our lives. We have such great friends and family. Thank you to those who have listened to me talk about my suffering and have been there with me when I've cried. Thank you for loving our Theo and accepting his crazy antics as he learns to live this life without his brother. This journey we are on to healing will be very long I'm sure. Your letters, messages, phone calls, hugs, talks, and prayers are all very very appreciated. Much love to you!