Are you happy?

Yesterday Theo asked if I was happy. It took me by surprise. I'm sure he asked because I had been crying a few hours before that. My answer was, "Um, I have joy... Are you happy?" Thankfully he said, "yeah." I just can't bring myself to say that I'm happy. I think that's a fair thing to say. Although, I'm certainly not going to tell Theo that I'm unhappy. He might take it personally and I don't want him to remember his mother as an unhappy, bitter person. Also, just because I'm not happy right now doesn't mean that I just sit in my house to mope, say "woe-is-me, " and drown my sorrows in iced blended coffees. Well, maybe I do that some days... ok, most days. I'm still able to smile and laugh. And yes, I do count my blessings and thank God for what he has given me. I don't have to be reminded of that. I am also aware that I'm not the only person who is suffering in this world, but this is my blog and my thoughts, so I'm going to talk about me.

Theo's question made me think about the last time I was truly happy. I don't remember an exact day, more of a season - last fall. I have pictures to prove it. No pictures of me, of course. I'm usually behind the camera.

Best friends. Look how happy they are. Theo wouldn't go down the slide unless Noah did. Theo has become a lot more brave since then. I'm sure he would go down it now. 

This, this is my happy moment. 

My buddy. Even he was truly happy on this day. It took a long time for him to smile at the camera like this again.  

My silly boy. I love him so. 

I often wonder if I will ever be truly, completely happy again. Is there anyone who feels that way, though? Aren't we always wanting more? Why can't we just be content with God? Why do I have to be bitter about this bumpy, twisty-turny road that I'm on? You know, this road leads to somewhere. Heaven. I suppose that is what hope and joy are all about. Sure, I can be depressed and in despair because my Noah is gone from me. I can be mad and angry that I can't hug him or hear him laugh. Or, I can choose to remember his laugh and his hugs. I can choose to be thankful that I got to experience that for almost 6 happy years. I could have not known him at all. I can choose to focus on the hope of Heaven and someday, maybe I'll be happy again. After all, this is only a shadow of our real life. An eternal life in the presence of God is my future reality. Noah is still my son, and he always, always will be.

I love the faces on his pumpkins. I love that he was creative, kind, and overall pretty happy.