There are two things I struggle with the most; being bitter and pretending that I'm not. I've always loathed bitterness. It has the ability to suck you in to a deep dark hole. I do NOT want to be there. I don't want that darkness hanging over me because I'm afraid that it will cause me to miss the healing and comfort that God has in store for me. But. When I'm around so many people who seem happy I just get discouraged because I don't feel that way. I am just tired of pretending that everything is ok. I am not saying that I don't have moments where I allow joy and laughter in, I do. The joy of the Lord is my strength, right? Sometimes it's just hard. It's hard for me to smile and say "ok" when someone asks how I'm doing. I AM NOT OK. I'm sad and I miss Noah SO MUCH. I can't really say that though. I don't think people will continue to ask me that if that was my response. So, for now, I'll just say "ok." It's the best that I can do. Honestly, in the end, everything will be ok. The end just seems so far away. One of my good friends reminded me the other day that when I get to Heaven, Noah won't know how long it took me to get there. Also, I won't know either. There's no time in Heaven. All our tears will be wiped away!!!
As I was praying to God the other day I asked, "why couldn't You have waited until I died before you took Noah?" I know it is not my place to question God. I'm just being honest here. During my prayer I thought, what if I had died before Noah? How much pain would that have caused him? How much pain would he have to endure with any one in our family leaving before him? My son will never know the pain of losing someone, for that, I am thankful.