Petition

Please take a moment to sign the petition for the Oklahoma City medical examiners to take action in decreasing the amount of time it takes to get results back to grieving families. We have waited 7 months now and they're still telling us to wait! The beginning time frame was 4-6 months. They need to increase funding so they can hire more examiners. They're excuse to me is that they have an increased case load. It is really not fair to us to have to wait this long!!

https://www.change.org/petitions/state-of-oklahoma-and-gov-mary-fallin-urge-oklahoma-to-increase-staffing-for-the-medical-examiner-office

Thank you for your support!!

Empty

Life when someone you love so much leaves this earth becomes empty. Not only do I feel empty inside but a lot of things around me are empty.

An empty chair at the dinner table where Noah sat. 

Empty shoes that he will never wear. 

An empty bed where no more bedtime stories are read, no more prayers together at night, no more saying "good morning Noah, time to get up for school." 

Empty spot next to his brother. 

My empty hand where his hand used to be. 

Empty seat in the car. 

Empty arms waiting for his hug.

EMPTY.

Sometimes when I'm in a crowd, with friends, or even just by myself I want to yell, "I MISS NOAH!!!" I HATE feeling empty. Yes, I know that I'm filled with the love of my family and friends and God. It's just the way I feel right now. This feeling is so suffocating sometimes and I don't know what to do. Why does my life have to be like this??? For what purpose GOD? God, I need your strength. Your comfort. Your peace. 

Complaint

Did you know there are more psalms of complaint in the Bible than there are of thanksgiving? Complaints are being honest with God. Complaining to God about how I feel and how I think death really sucks, allows me to be open to His comfort. He is not shocked by our despair. Even though the pain is so suffocating sometimes that I can't see past the fog that is my grief, I know that there is an end to this suffering. Death is defeated in Christ. I know where I'm going when I die, Heaven. That is where my son is. When I get there, all of the pain and tears of his death will be wiped away. While I wait for that day, I will weep with hope.

One night this week I was crying in bed and asking God for a glimpse of Noah in Heaven. I thought that if I just thought about Noah while I went to sleep I would see him in my dreams. A few hours of sleep later, I was suddenly awaked by the sound of Theo giggling. He had been sleeping in my room because my family had been visiting. He was just giggling in his sleep, like he was dreaming. Steven was away on a business trip. The next morning I received a text from Steven that said he had a dream about Noah. He was sifting through his closet and found him the back. He started to tickle Noah and he giggled. Steven said he woke up laughing. Maybe they had the same dream?? I'm not making this story up, folks, it's all true. I honestly believe God gave us yet another glimpse of Heaven.

This was from our trip to the beach last week with my family. I just thought it was a neat photo.  Theo's drawing in the sand next to Noah's name looked like a heart. 

Bitter

I'm really struggling with bitterness lately. Yes, I'm aware that I have plenty of things to be thankful for. But. I get so frustrated hearing people complain about things that don't matter. I know it's not fair to feel that way, they didn't cause my life to be like this, so I shouldn't expect everyone else who isn't hurting to be happy 100% of the time. Still, it bothers me. I'm just bitter. That's what Satan wants. He wants me to be bitter. Someday I am going to have to make a decision to throw that bitterness and despair away and give it to God. I feel like I can't let go of it right now. I'm not saying I feel this way all of the time, just moments throughout the day. Maybe this is a normal process in my grief journey. I know God won't give up on me.

Tuesday of this week I attended a life celebration service for a wonderful woman of God, Leta. She and her husband were Noah's Sunday School teachers when he was 3 and 4 years old. She taught my son about God and now they are together in the presence of Him. My pastor said a few things that I don't want to forget. His daughter Tish went to Heaven several years ago in a car accident. He said when people apologized for his loss he would have to say that he didn't lose his daughter, he knew where she was. She is in Heaven. I still can't say that Noah died. How could he have died if he is living in Heaven? I just can't say "dead." I don't believe it to be true in that sense. Pastor Norm also told the family of Leta that sometimes they will have a glimpse of Heaven, the veil will be pulled away for just a second. I know what he's talking about. The rainbow picture I found, the little things that Theo says, things that I find of Noah's, and other things that are too special to me to share -- all glimpses of Heaven. You could also call them blessings from God. See, if Pastor Norm says that we will experience those things, then I am not crazy!

Guess What

"Hey Mom, guess what!" Noah would always say. Often times there was no response to "what Noah?" He just said that to get your attention. A few months after Noah left Theo started saying it, too. He usually says it in the car. A couple of days before Mother's Day we were driving somewhere and from the backseat I heard, "hey Mom, guess what." My automatic response is, "what Theo?" followed by mind going back to what I was thinking about because I know he won't say anything after that. To my surprise he said, "I'm happy." The tears immediately started to fall. You may think I'm crazy, but my first thought was to thank God for sending me a message about Noah. I was telling this story to a very close friend of mine. I left out the part that I thought would make me sound crazy, but again, to my surprise, she had the same thought. So, maybe I'm not crazy after all! Well, I probably am, but not completely.

This Mother's Day was tough, more so than I thought it was going to be. I kept telling myself to be thankful that I am the mother of two amazing boys. I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I was denied a hug and a drawing from Noah. I have always loved his artwork, as any other mother loves her child's creations. I think that was the hardest part for me. Thankfully, I had friends and my husband and Theo to hug on. My friend's daughter Lauren gave me so many hugs that day I lost count! What a blessing she is to me.

Steven gave me this, along with flowers and a special card, as a mother's day gift. His title is "kindness." Just like my Noah. He had a spirit of kindness that always impressed me. Steven wished he could have brought Noah home to me for Mother's Day. I wished that, too. Alas, that can't happen. Noah will always be our son, though. We will always love him and that love will forever be with us.

The flowers I received from Steven along with a rose from my friend Elizabeth.

Today is Theo's 3rd birthday. Happy Birthday little brother! We went to the children's museum today to celebrate. We'll have another party with a few friends. Theo will never know how much of a hero he is to me.

I have this fear that Theo won't remember all of the things he knows about Noah. He's only 3, I don't remember a whole lot from when I turned 3. A man in our Grief Share class suggested I write a letter to Theo talking about the relationship he had with his brother and describing Noah. I would have to tell Theo that Noah loved him so much. He was always looking out for him. He called him "Feo." I can still hear him say, "Feo!" when he would get frustrated with Theo. Noah would always be there to help Theo when he would get frustrated with something. Noah loved to sing Theo a song at bedtime. 

Go to sleep Theo

Sweet dreams Theo

We'll play again in the morning

And have fun tomorrow.

Then he would give him a hug or blow him a kiss and say "I love you, Feo, goodnight." Sure there were times when they would argue, but not very often, mainly because Noah was pretty patient. For the most part, their relationship was special. They were best friends. I'm sad that Noah can't be here to spend Theo's birthday with him. 

5 months

Five months ago today my little boy left this earth.  Maybe that's why today is so hard.  Sometimes I feel like I need to say I hate my life, even though I don't hate it in general.  I hate that life has to go on without my Noah.  Geez, I miss that boy so much!!  The pain is just so suffocating sometimes.

There's a song by Laura Story that I've loved for a while.  It has more meaning for me now.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

I just love it so much.  I love how music is healing.  I realized a few weeks ago that when I worship, sing praises to God, Noah is also singing to the same God, only in Heaven. Not only am I connected to Noah in the fact that he is a part of me, but I'm also connected to him through our Heavenly Father.  When I start to see the images of finding Noah that morning five months ago I try really, really hard to picture him in Heaven instead.  I know I've talked about this before.  To be honest, it is getting easier to do that.  Some days are easier than others.   I'm thankful for those answered prayers.

This weekend, about 50 of my friends and my aunt walked in the March for Babies in honor of Noah. We raised $2,309! Southwest Washington and Oregon together raised over $1 million! I was scared that the day was going to be really hard for me.  We have walked with Noah several times before in the March for Babies.  Having such a great group of friends for support was truly a blessing to us.  I love our church family.  Doing good things helps heal the heart.  I am sure Noah is proud of us.

Reality

I suppose it's true.  He really is gone.  My friend Jenn and I took a trip to Oklahoma last weekend to visit Noah's spot, I don't want to call it a grave.  This was the first time I had seen his marker.  I had a knot in the pit of my stomach on the drive to the cemetery.  I knew seeing it was going to be hard, I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  Walking up the sidewalk to the Garden of Angels, where all of the children are buried, I couldn't hold back my tears.  Once I got closer I just broke down, sobbed uncontrollably and loudly.  If I didn't have people there supporting me I probably would have been a lot louder.  After touching the marker with my hands just so that I would know in my head that it was real, God reminded me that Noah is with him.  I had asked a few friends to pray for the trip and for me while I was there.  I am sure someone prayed for that.  In fact, I know someone did.  Someone also prayed that I would feel the presence of God, and I did.

There was another spot a few feet away that had a large pinwheel.  I wanted one for Noah's spot so we picked one up at Hobby Lobby and brought it there on our second visit.  In my heart I want these images to represent the fact that Noah is in Heaven.  He's in a perfect place with no hate, sadness, betrayal, anger, insecurities, tears, selfishness, etc. I don't want this grave to represent death like it is supposed to, I want it to represent life in Heaven.  I am not sure my mind is going to let me do that, though.  

You might not be able to see them, but we let some balloons go while we were there. 

When we returned to Portland there was a double rainbow to greet us.  Rainbows have a "double" meaning for me.  They represent God's love and mercy for us.  They also represent Noah being with Jesus. 

I posted this picture in January I think.  The day I had taken the Christmas tree down I cried out to God to show me that Noah was with him.  For some reason, I decided to move the furniture around.  I found this picture under the couch.  Noah in front of a rainbow.  I still have no idea where that paper came from and had no idea he had drawn it.  Revelation 4:3 says there's a rainbow shining like an emerald that encircles the throne in Heaven.  I'm sure Noah has seen that rainbow. 

Thank you to my friends and family who have supported us during this most difficult time of our lives. It still hurts tremendously.  I miss him so much and think about him constantly.  It's hard to think about living on this earth without him, but this life here is only temporary.  I know God's love and mercy are abundant.