One Year

There just aren't enough words to express how much I miss him. No words at all really. It has been a year since he went to Heaven. I'm still holding on to the memory of our last hug. If only I could hug him again and never let go. The day Noah left I had no idea how I was going to live this life without him. I still have the images almost daily of finding him that morning. The image of his daddy holding him one last time while the paramedics arrived. Oh death, you are so painful. Oh God, please continue to restore my soul! Don't let this strength I have in You fade. I wish he could tell me what Heaven is like. How bright are the colors? How often do the angels sing? What does Noah do there? Are the dreams that I've had about him there really glimpses of Heaven? His prayers were often, "Dear God, thank you for Mom and Dad, me and Feo. I had a good day today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen." Did God say, "you're welcome."?

Theo still asks about him. He often says, "my Noah be back in a minute." Oh how I miss seeing them play together. Noah was Theo's best friend. I hope and pray he will always feel connected with Noah somehow. Quite often I wish he could be here to do things with us, like go to a movie or play at the park. I'm not sad for him, sad for us. I know I've said that a million times.

I knew this one year anniversary was going to be very hard so I had to think of a way to celebrate his life and what kind of boy he is. Just like I planned his 5th birthday party for months, I planned this event for that long. We called it the Be Kind campaign. The idea was for people to do an act of kindness for someone else and leave a card behind that said it was in loving memory of Noah. He was such a kind and gentle friend so we thought this was the perfect way to remember him. Many acts have been done so far and I hope it continues.

I have great joy in knowing with all of my heart that he is safe and with God. The hope that I will see him one day has been my crutch. I dream of the day when I get to see Jesus face to face and then He will take me to see Noah. I also dream of the day when the four of us can be together again. Thank you God for Heaven and all of it's joy! While we wait to get there, we will make sure that his life will leave an impact on this earth and will continue to share his kindness.

Coping with Grief: A Christian Perspective

I don't claim to be an expert and I'm not telling you how to feel or when to feel it. I'm just a mom who is going through this journey of learning to live this life on earth without my son. Over the past year I've learned a few things that have helped me along the way.

Life is never the same, but you have to learn to cope, or adapt. It is a very long process. Everyone grieves differently. Anger, shock, sadness, denial, depression, and even physical pain are all feelings associated with grief that everyone will likely feel. Pain of grief is unique. There are no magic words to take away this pain, but in this pain you will learn to live by faith. Living by faith allows you to learn to cope with the despair that you're feeling. Grieving is a natural response and is necessary to heal.

Music

Music can be very powerful therapy. Just hearing the words that you feel from someone else is comforting. The most helpful song for me is Mercy Me's "The Hurt and the Healer."

Some other songs that are awesome are:

"Keep Singing"-Mercy Me

"With Hope"-Steven Curtis Chapman

"There Will be a Day"-Jeremy Camp

"Already There"-Casting Crowns

Worship

My pastor, who's daughter passed away as a young adult, preached on worship this last Sunday. He said that worshipping when your heart is broken is pure worship. That kind of worship is about God's character and not the things he gives you. It will restore you, help you regain your perspective, and help you focus on the eternity. It was hard for me sometimes to worship, to be honest. The words just didn't seem authentic to me because I allowed bitterness in my heart. There were also sometimes when I just didn't want to be happy, but I sang the words anyway. I definitely felt that way at Noah's life celebration service. I used all of the courage and energy I had to sing those words. God gave me a great gift when he gave me Noah. I am not about to let Satan take my thankfulness away.

Scripture

In order to control the bitterness, I think it's important to read scripture often when you're grieving. I remember asking my friends for their favorite scripture. Here are a few verses to meditate on:

• "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

• "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

• "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

• "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I think it's important to remember verse 13. When you're in the pit of despair and you don't know how you're going to make it through, God will meet you there, you just have to ask.

Books

Noah passed away in Oklahoma. A week later we had to fly back home to Oregon, without him. That was the most difficult trip I've ever made. I went to Oklahoma with a son in each hand and left with the 11x16 picture that was on display at his funeral and his little brother instead. On the airplane I read the entire book, Heaven is for Real. It's about a young boy who almost died from appendicitis. While he was in surgery he actually went to Heaven and then came back. The book paints a beautiful picture of Heaven and is very believable. It's also easy to read. Another good book to read is Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Her daughter and son passed away from Zellweger Syndrome. Also an easy read and Biblically based.

Counsel

We attended a class called Grief Share. It's a nationwide program that is Christian based. It's for anyone who is going through the grieving process. They meet once a week. I highly recommend at least trying it out. Another thing that is helpful is to have a friend who will listen to you talk through your emotions at any time. I am blessed with a lot of family and friends who have been there to listen, encourage, or just sit with me. You can also seek counsel with a pastor or a therapist. Do what's best for you.

Heavenly-minded

Imagine if we lived in a world full of disappointments, pain, war, shootings, death, etc. Oh wait, we do. I'm not saying that there is nothing good in this world. God is good and his creations are good. If you think this life is void of pain, then you're in a bubble. Sorry to tell you that. Even if you haven't experienced some kind of heartache, this world is still not perfect. However, there is a place that is. A place where there are no more tears, no more suffering. Our home is there. (Philippians 3:20).

Just remember, our lives change whether we want them to or not, but God does not change. His dwelling place is Heaven, where Noah is. He's safe and sound from this world and that is where I will spend eternity. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

An Answer?

Yesterday I received a long-awaited phone call from the Medical Examiner's office in Oklahoma City. We've waited almost 11 months for the answer to this question, "why did our son die?" Here's the answer; no cause found, inconclusive. No cause found? They did every test they could think of. There is one test left that will take up to a year to get the results back, but that's the very last test. A genetic heart disease test. That doesn't mean that they think that's what it is. That is their last resort because it costs $5,000 and they don't have a lot of funding.

So, what am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to live my life never knowing what happened? My husband very wisely said that there is no hope in knowing, only hope in Heaven. If we would have known the cause I would always think about what I could have done to prevent it. How could a happy and presumably healthy boy just go to sleep and never wake up? Knowing that they couldn't find anything and his doctor didn't find anything in her scouring over his charts makes me believe that there's nothing we could have done. If there was something, we would have done it. There is one small voice that keeps saying, "why didn't God tell me there was something wrong? why didn't He make it more apparent?" It is not my place to question God. It is only my place to TRUST Him. Trust Him that he is in control. Perhaps it was His grace that we didn't find out the cause, as said by a good friend. I'm going to be honest, sometimes it is hard to trust that this will all be ok and that the joy will come. I think the only way to reach that trust is to ask Him for the strength to get there. Not just ask for extra strength, but God size strength.

I miss Noah so much. I really miss taking care of him. I'm so thankful that I have two boys. I don't know what I'd do without Theo. He'll never know how much he means to me. I was meant to be a mom. So now I have to parent him from here on this earth. One way I can think to do that is to attempt to bring purpose to his life and carry on his legacy that he left behind. That is why I'm embarking on the "Be Kind" campaign. I'm committing to continuing this campaign on November 29th for the rest of my life. I'm not doing it just for Noah, I'm doing it for myself, too. I think doing things for others will bring me joy. As I've said before, I'm searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow.

I just want to thank you all for your support throughout this very difficult time in our lives. We have such great friends and family. Thank you to those who have listened to me talk about my suffering and have been there with me when I've cried. Thank you for loving our Theo and accepting his crazy antics as he learns to live this life without his brother. This journey we are on to healing will be very long I'm sure. Your letters, messages, phone calls, hugs, talks, and prayers are all very very appreciated. Much love to you!

Finding Joy in Sorrow

"Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." 2 Corinthians 6:10. Oh Paul, you're so right. You may wonder why I'm rejoicing while my heart is broken into a million pieces. My answer -- the hope of joy that only comes from God. I just can't say that enough. Romans 5:2-3 says, "Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of underserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." I'm not saying that I'm happy and rejoicing that Noah is gone. I'm just searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow. Looking forward to the day I will see him again. Oh how my heart aches for that day. An ache too painful for words.

John Piper wrote, "So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with the power and goodness of God." Wow! One day our tears will be wiped away and death will be no more. I think I can rejoice in that. How about you?

Are you happy?

Yesterday Theo asked if I was happy. It took me by surprise. I'm sure he asked because I had been crying a few hours before that. My answer was, "Um, I have joy... Are you happy?" Thankfully he said, "yeah." I just can't bring myself to say that I'm happy. I think that's a fair thing to say. Although, I'm certainly not going to tell Theo that I'm unhappy. He might take it personally and I don't want him to remember his mother as an unhappy, bitter person. Also, just because I'm not happy right now doesn't mean that I just sit in my house to mope, say "woe-is-me, " and drown my sorrows in iced blended coffees. Well, maybe I do that some days... ok, most days. I'm still able to smile and laugh. And yes, I do count my blessings and thank God for what he has given me. I don't have to be reminded of that. I am also aware that I'm not the only person who is suffering in this world, but this is my blog and my thoughts, so I'm going to talk about me.

Theo's question made me think about the last time I was truly happy. I don't remember an exact day, more of a season - last fall. I have pictures to prove it. No pictures of me, of course. I'm usually behind the camera.

Best friends. Look how happy they are. Theo wouldn't go down the slide unless Noah did. Theo has become a lot more brave since then. I'm sure he would go down it now. 

This, this is my happy moment. 

My buddy. Even he was truly happy on this day. It took a long time for him to smile at the camera like this again.  

My silly boy. I love him so. 

I often wonder if I will ever be truly, completely happy again. Is there anyone who feels that way, though? Aren't we always wanting more? Why can't we just be content with God? Why do I have to be bitter about this bumpy, twisty-turny road that I'm on? You know, this road leads to somewhere. Heaven. I suppose that is what hope and joy are all about. Sure, I can be depressed and in despair because my Noah is gone from me. I can be mad and angry that I can't hug him or hear him laugh. Or, I can choose to remember his laugh and his hugs. I can choose to be thankful that I got to experience that for almost 6 happy years. I could have not known him at all. I can choose to focus on the hope of Heaven and someday, maybe I'll be happy again. After all, this is only a shadow of our real life. An eternal life in the presence of God is my future reality. Noah is still my son, and he always, always will be.

I love the faces on his pumpkins. I love that he was creative, kind, and overall pretty happy.

First Day of School

Today would have been Noah's first day of the first grade. I keep wondering what he would be wearing, if he would have the same Wall-E backpack, and about how excited he would be. I'm sure he would be wearing a plaid or polo shirt. I wish I could hear all about his day. I wish I could just pick him up from school like that's where he's been this whole time. Life is NOT FAIR!! My life is not fair. Today, I am having a pity party. Pitiful me. I don't feel this way all of the time. The realization that he is not coming back is more real. The pain is bearable but my heart will always always be broken. Ugh.

A picture from the first day of last year. I miss you so much Noah. Your Daddy, Theo, and I love you. Today is Daddy's birthday. Wish you could have been here. You are always here with us though because we will always love you and that love makes you a part of us. This is not where it ends. See you later my pal. 

What Would Jesus Do? (and a little soap-boxing)

"Jesus wept." John 11:35. Why? Because his friend Lazarus, whom he loved, died. Two verses before that says, "Therefore, when Jesus saw her [Mary, this sister of Lazarus] weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled." According to Pastor Greg Laurie, the greek work for "troubled" could be translated to "angry." Jesus was angry at death. He was sad because his friend was dead and the people who loved him were full of sorrow. I can be angry at death and sad that Noah is gone. I'm going to feel this way for as long as I need to.

Most of you know what happens next in the story of Lazarus. ³⁸ So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. ³⁹ Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” ⁴⁰ Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” ⁴¹ So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said,“Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. ⁴² I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” ⁴³ When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.” ⁴⁴ The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” 

I find it interesting that both Mary and Martha questioned Jesus and told him that he had been there their brother would not be dead. Little did they know, God had amazing things planned for them. Noah isn't coming back to me. I will go to him in Heaven. If I believe I will see the glory of God. "For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT. My present troubles are NOT small, but thinking eternally, they may be quite small. 

Someone suggested to me in an indirect way that my focus in Heaven should be on God and not Noah. First of all, that hurt my feelings. Second of all, you don't know my heart. My son is dead. There, I said it. The only thing that gets me through is the HOPE of seeing him in Heaven WITH Jesus. Of course I want more than anything to see my Creator, Savior, Counselor. I get to be in His presence with my son. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but I know enough and have been given enough validation through my prayers, scripture, and other people God has spoken through to have faith that dream will come true. If you've never read the book Heaven is for Real, you should read it. Also, before you decide to tell me how to grieve, take a moment and think about the pain of losing a child, or anyone you love so dearly. Ok, gettin' down off my soap box now.