What Would Jesus Do? (and a little soap-boxing)

"Jesus wept." John 11:35. Why? Because his friend Lazarus, whom he loved, died. Two verses before that says, "Therefore, when Jesus saw her [Mary, this sister of Lazarus] weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled." According to Pastor Greg Laurie, the greek work for "troubled" could be translated to "angry." Jesus was angry at death. He was sad because his friend was dead and the people who loved him were full of sorrow. I can be angry at death and sad that Noah is gone. I'm going to feel this way for as long as I need to.

Most of you know what happens next in the story of Lazarus. ³⁸ So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. ³⁹ Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” ⁴⁰ Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” ⁴¹ So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said,“Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. ⁴² I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” ⁴³ When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.” ⁴⁴ The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” 

I find it interesting that both Mary and Martha questioned Jesus and told him that he had been there their brother would not be dead. Little did they know, God had amazing things planned for them. Noah isn't coming back to me. I will go to him in Heaven. If I believe I will see the glory of God. "For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT. My present troubles are NOT small, but thinking eternally, they may be quite small. 

Someone suggested to me in an indirect way that my focus in Heaven should be on God and not Noah. First of all, that hurt my feelings. Second of all, you don't know my heart. My son is dead. There, I said it. The only thing that gets me through is the HOPE of seeing him in Heaven WITH Jesus. Of course I want more than anything to see my Creator, Savior, Counselor. I get to be in His presence with my son. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but I know enough and have been given enough validation through my prayers, scripture, and other people God has spoken through to have faith that dream will come true. If you've never read the book Heaven is for Real, you should read it. Also, before you decide to tell me how to grieve, take a moment and think about the pain of losing a child, or anyone you love so dearly. Ok, gettin' down off my soap box now. 

Hope

I wish I could come up with the words to express the pain of losing a child, just so you could know the power of God's peace and comfort in a time of darkness. Sometimes the image of finding his little body without his soul floods through my mind and I feel like the room is spinning. Everything else fades and I'm in a far away place. A dark place. Soon after that the image of Noah in Heaven that I had in my dream comes to my mind. I hold on to that for dear life.

I've never experienced His presence like I have since Noah left. God really does show himself when we need Him most. He is always there, but when there is absolutely no where else for us to turn, he gives his light of Hope. I like how He reveals himself through my family and friends. Friends who promised to walk down this road with me, pray for us, remind me that every day here is a day closer to Heaven, and friends who tell me that this just plain sucks. Also, my little Theo running through the halls at church telling everyone that God helps us, something he learned in Sunday School. Prayer is what allows me to have peace throughout the day. I know when someone is praying for me. That may sound crazy to some, but it's my truth.

To me, grief isn't something you get over, it's something you get through. I'll have to move through this life on earth without Noah. That was not my plan, and it really sucks, but it is what it is. I'm going to hold on his memory and cherish the joy that he brought to our lives. Eight months ago today was the last time I hugged my pal. Ugh, I so wish I could just hug him again and never let go. Someday. That's what hope is all about. Hope that I will see him again, along with my Savior. Hope that one day on this earth the joy of Noah will come first to my mind instead of the constant reminder that he's not here with me.

One of my favorite pictures of him at the beach. 

He loved to look at maps and pretend to tell me where to go. Well,  I don't think he was pretending. I miss those brown eyes. 

Alone

I feel so alone. Alone and discouraged. God, I just can't be strong on my own. Help me. Help me find Your strength. So many people in my life are happy but I am sad. I feel that I'm being punished, even though I don't think You work that way. Noah was full of so much joy and compassion. I feel like my joy and compassion were ripped from me when he left. I just don't know what to do anymore. So much sadness, anger, and depression. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I know there is hope. I know there is joy. It's just hard to see right now. Guess it's just one of those rough days.

OK

There are two things I struggle with the most; being bitter and pretending that I'm not. I've always loathed bitterness. It has the ability to suck you in to a deep dark hole. I do NOT want to be there. I don't want that darkness hanging over me because I'm afraid that it will cause me to miss the healing and comfort that God has in store for me. But. When I'm around so many people who seem happy I just get discouraged because I don't feel that way. I am just tired of pretending that everything is ok. I am not saying that I don't have moments where I allow joy and laughter in, I do. The joy of the Lord is my strength, right? Sometimes it's just hard. It's hard for me to smile and say "ok" when someone asks how I'm doing. I AM NOT OK. I'm sad and I miss Noah SO MUCH. I can't really say that though. I don't think people will continue to ask me that if that was my response. So, for now, I'll just say "ok." It's the best that I can do. Honestly, in the end, everything will be ok. The end just seems so far away. One of my good friends reminded me the other day that when I get to Heaven, Noah won't know how long it took me to get there. Also, I won't know either. There's no time in Heaven. All our tears will be wiped away!!!

As I was praying to God the other day I asked, "why couldn't You have waited until I died before you took Noah?" I know it is not my place to question God. I'm just being honest here. During my prayer I thought, what if I had died before Noah? How much pain would that have caused him? How much pain would he have to endure with any one in our family leaving before him? My son will never know the pain of losing someone, for that, I am thankful.

Petition

Please take a moment to sign the petition for the Oklahoma City medical examiners to take action in decreasing the amount of time it takes to get results back to grieving families. We have waited 7 months now and they're still telling us to wait! The beginning time frame was 4-6 months. They need to increase funding so they can hire more examiners. They're excuse to me is that they have an increased case load. It is really not fair to us to have to wait this long!!

https://www.change.org/petitions/state-of-oklahoma-and-gov-mary-fallin-urge-oklahoma-to-increase-staffing-for-the-medical-examiner-office

Thank you for your support!!

Empty

Life when someone you love so much leaves this earth becomes empty. Not only do I feel empty inside but a lot of things around me are empty.

An empty chair at the dinner table where Noah sat. 

Empty shoes that he will never wear. 

An empty bed where no more bedtime stories are read, no more prayers together at night, no more saying "good morning Noah, time to get up for school." 

Empty spot next to his brother. 

My empty hand where his hand used to be. 

Empty seat in the car. 

Empty arms waiting for his hug.

EMPTY.

Sometimes when I'm in a crowd, with friends, or even just by myself I want to yell, "I MISS NOAH!!!" I HATE feeling empty. Yes, I know that I'm filled with the love of my family and friends and God. It's just the way I feel right now. This feeling is so suffocating sometimes and I don't know what to do. Why does my life have to be like this??? For what purpose GOD? God, I need your strength. Your comfort. Your peace. 

Complaint

Did you know there are more psalms of complaint in the Bible than there are of thanksgiving? Complaints are being honest with God. Complaining to God about how I feel and how I think death really sucks, allows me to be open to His comfort. He is not shocked by our despair. Even though the pain is so suffocating sometimes that I can't see past the fog that is my grief, I know that there is an end to this suffering. Death is defeated in Christ. I know where I'm going when I die, Heaven. That is where my son is. When I get there, all of the pain and tears of his death will be wiped away. While I wait for that day, I will weep with hope.

One night this week I was crying in bed and asking God for a glimpse of Noah in Heaven. I thought that if I just thought about Noah while I went to sleep I would see him in my dreams. A few hours of sleep later, I was suddenly awaked by the sound of Theo giggling. He had been sleeping in my room because my family had been visiting. He was just giggling in his sleep, like he was dreaming. Steven was away on a business trip. The next morning I received a text from Steven that said he had a dream about Noah. He was sifting through his closet and found him the back. He started to tickle Noah and he giggled. Steven said he woke up laughing. Maybe they had the same dream?? I'm not making this story up, folks, it's all true. I honestly believe God gave us yet another glimpse of Heaven.

This was from our trip to the beach last week with my family. I just thought it was a neat photo.  Theo's drawing in the sand next to Noah's name looked like a heart.