Gifts

Last Friday, January 25th, I got a phone call from my mom. The second she said, "I hate to tell you this over the phone" I already felt numb. She called to tell me that my baby cousin Alex had passed away that morning. Alex was 3 months old. He is the son of my cousin Aaron and his wife Amy. At this point, I'm really understanding that asking "why?" just doesn't get me anywhere. I said a week ago that I was going to start asking "for what purpose?" Well, now's my chance.

When Noah went to heaven, Aaron, Amy, and Alex along with my aunt Cindy drove down to Oklahoma from Minnesota to be at his service. Aunt Cindy had already been in OK when he passed away, but she left for MN and then came back with them. I have a loving family. Aaron was a pall bearer at Noah's service. I was so thankful for that. It meant a lot to me. I remember holding Alex at my aunt Ellen's house. That's where we all gathered usually. I held him in front of the Christmas tree so he could see the lights. It felt so good to hold him. He brought me joy when I was in so much pain. Alex was a gift to us, even though he was only here for a short time.

My heart hurts for Amy and Aaron. My prayer for them is that they would feel loved and comforted. That they would have a peace beyond all understanding. I hope they will not feel alone in their suffering. I pray that the joy and memories of Alex will help ease their pain. Every path of grief is different so I don't know exactly how they're feeling, but I can understand. I'd like to think that Noah was there to greet Alex when he got to heaven.  

Here's an interesting story. On Wednesday I wasn't feeling well and I was just sad all day. I kept thinking that I wanted to see Noah in heaven. I wanted to have a dream about him. Just to see or hear him. Well, that night as I was sleeping, I heard him say "mom, mom, mom!" I said, "what?" and then woke up. The funny thing is, I only heard it in my right ear. It felt so real, like I really heard it. It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. It was like he was so excited to tell me something. So, you could either say that my mind was playing tricks on me or that God gave me a gift. I know which one I am going to choose. 

My friend Jenn Peacock (as Noah would always call her) had a dream about him, too. She and I were at a play. In the lobby we saw Noah sitting with a man. We were crying because we could only see them, but they couldn't see us.

The man said, "I have a gift for you."

"I LOVE gifts!" said Noah.

"This is a gift from God!"

Noah replied, "God gives the best gifts!" 

The gift was a toy truck.

As Noah was playing with the truck, another woman came up to us. Jenn was telling her to look at Noah and the man but she couldn't see them. We have our theories as to why we were the only ones in her dream to be able to see him.

Yesterday, while we were driving Theo kept asking to see Noah. We had to tell him that Noah was in heaven with God and that we couldn't go see him. Then he asked to go get Noah. I'm guessing I'm going to have to always explain this to Theo. What am I going to tell him when he gets older? Maybe I'll say that he is special because he has a big brother in heaven. Whenever he wants to tell him something, just tell him. Or, pray and ask God to tell him. I will tell Theo that God gave us Noah as a gift. A gift that we could hold and hug and see with our eyes for a short time, and then God needed him back with him. However, it's not the end because we will see him in heaven. I'll have to teach him about God and that he has a purpose for our lives here on earth, no matter how short or long it is.

Noah, 

Hey pal!

Theo has been missing you a lot lately. We all miss you. You are so special. I am glad that I got to hear your voice in my sleep the other night. You sounded like you had something exciting to tell me. I love you very much Noah. I bet you are having lots of fun in heaven. I think about you drawing pictures for Grandma and Grandpa. I also think about Grandma baking you chocolate chip cookies like she did when I was little. Remember when we made chocolate chip cookies together? What a wonderful memory that is for me. 

I love you. See you later, 

Mom