Saturday, January 5, 2013

My Reality

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20 NIV

Jesus was explaining to his disciples that they would weep about His death while the world rejoiced. This is sometimes how I feel about Noah's death. Death. That is still a hard word for me to say. I don't feel like he is dead. My reality is that I am a mother of two boys--one is here on earth and the other is in heaven. On occasion this makes me feel like a misfit. I feel like the world is happy and going about daily business while I am remembering my son. I can only remember because I will not hear, see, or touch him in this lifetime. Life seems so complicated at times that I feel like I will never be able to think clearly. At other times it's so simple; Noah is heaven and is happy and that gives me joy. I don't personally know very many people who can say that their child is in the presence of the King. What greater place could there be? This must be the grief turning to joy part.

Another reality I'm facing is feeling that some people just don't know what to say to me so they don't say anything at all. That's perfectly ok, most of the time. Perhaps they are afraid that they would say the wrong thing. To tell you the truth, I completely understand. I'd probably be the same way. Maybe I give off the impression that I don't want to talk. Well, sometimes I really don't want to talk. I just want to be quiet and reflect or process things. Other times I do want to talk. I want to talk about Noah. I want to talk about how I'm feeling that day, what I'm missing about him. Hearing stories about him brings a smile to my face. A friend from church sent me a card this week and in it she wrote a story of how Noah loved his new coat and that it had pockets on the inside as well as the outside. That made me laugh because it was so true. He was so happy about the little things.


Hey pal. I miss you. You've been in heaven for 5 weeks, our time. We would have been planning your big carnival birthday bash now. I imagine we would be shopping for the decorations and putting the favor bags together. 

Theo has been playing with trains and cars a lot. He sure misses his partner, though. I have to fill in for you. I'm pretty sure I'm not as fun as you, but I'll do my best. 

I talk to God about you every single day.  I ask Him to tell you just how much I love you. 

I do love you my son.

See you later, 


Uncle Joe said...

My favorite Noah memory was when we went to Walmart with you and he was riding on my shoulders. He asked if he could "steer" so I told him to grab my ears and that I would close my eyes so he would have to steer me the right way and tell me when to stop and go. We had so much fun and my ears were stretched to their max, but it was totally worth it to hear that cute Noah giggle.

The Mrs. said...

I always smile when I wear long earrings, because ever since Noah was like one, he was always fascinated by them. The funny thing was, he never once pulled on them, he just wanted to touch them. There is a picture of him holding one of my earrings. I wear that pair almost everyday because they remind me of my sweet nephew!