I'll be honest. Almost every morning I wake up sad. If not sad, then angry or disappointed. I feel like I've been cheated out of the life that I planned. I feel like I don't want to get out of bed because there's no point. Eventually I pray. Sometimes it takes me minutes to get to this point, sometimes hours. Usually the first word of my prayer is "why?" Why are things different than the way I wanted them to be. Then, God gives me the thought of Noah being with Him. I can't get through the day without peace.
My pastor loaned me a book called Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. She lost two children to Zelleweger Syndrome. I LOVE this book. She writes about so many things that relate to me and my thoughts. A challenge she gives is not to ask God "why?" but to ask him "for what purpose?" What purpose is it that He allowed my son to die? The disciples ask Jesus this question in John 9:2-3; "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus responds with, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I've seen some of the works already. God will be glorified, that's what Jesus said. I will always struggle with the reason it had to happen this way, though. Just being honest. However,instead of demanding that He owes me an answer, I will learn to trust him. This will be a process.
I have this strong desire to think about heaven a lot. I believe that Noah is there and now I have this need to know more about it. Perhaps that is another purpose of loss. A piece of me is in heaven. Just think about this life on earth. It's only one part of our eternity. Choosing the gift that God has given by having a personal relationship with Jesus and believing that his death erased our sins will give you eternal life. So this life we have now is merely a speck comparatively.
Some of you have heard this story before, but I'm going to share it again. The night before Noah's funeral in Oklahoma, Steven and I were the first to go to the viewing. When we pulled up to funeral home, neither of us wanted to go in. Before we got out of the car, Steven prayed that God would show us the Noah that was in heaven, not the body that was left behind. He also prayed for a peace beyond all understanding. I thought we were going to talk to the director for a bit first, but he ushered us in to see our son in a casket instead. I was NOT prepared for that. I really don't think I would have ever been prepared. I had planned to say what I wanted to say to Noah, but I couldn't. The body was not Noah. I actually said that out loud. My pastor's wife told me she felt the same way when her daughter went to heaven. Yes, that body was the body God created for my son, but his soul is in heaven. My friend Melissa had printed a picture of Noah that was set up on an easel next to him. I had to say what I was going to say to that picture. That was the image of Noah I wanted to remember. After the viewing Steven and I just looked at each other and knew we were both thinking the same thing. We had a peace, and we didn't understand. See, all you have to do is ask.
"There is no tragedy in being ushered quickly from this life to the next when that next life is in the presence of God." -Nancy Guthrie
I may feel sad and depressed at times, but my belief that Noah is in heaven and I will one day see him again helps those feelings turn to peace.