Monday, January 21, 2013

Feeling a Belief

I'll be honest. Almost every morning I wake up sad. If not sad, then angry or disappointed. I feel like I've been cheated out of the life that I planned. I feel like I don't want to get out of bed because there's no point. Eventually I pray. Sometimes it takes me minutes to get to this point, sometimes hours. Usually the first word of my prayer is "why?" Why are things different than the way I wanted them to be. Then, God gives me the thought of Noah being with Him. I can't get through the day without peace.

My pastor loaned me a book called Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. She lost two children to Zelleweger Syndrome. I LOVE this book. She writes about so many things that relate to me and my thoughts. A challenge she gives is not to ask God "why?" but to ask him "for what purpose?" What purpose is it that He allowed my son to die? The disciples ask Jesus this question in John 9:2-3; "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus responds with, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I've seen some of the works already. God will be glorified, that's what Jesus said. I will always struggle with the reason it had to happen this way, though. Just being honest. However,instead of demanding that He owes me an answer, I will learn to trust him. This will be a process.

I have this strong desire to think about heaven a lot. I believe that Noah is there and now I have this need to know more about it. Perhaps that is another purpose of loss. A piece of me is in heaven. Just think about this life on earth. It's only one part of our eternity. Choosing the gift that God has given by having a personal relationship with Jesus and believing that his death erased our sins will give you eternal life. So this life we have now is merely a speck comparatively. 

Some of you have heard this story before, but I'm going to share it again. The night before Noah's funeral in Oklahoma, Steven and I were the first to go to the viewing. When we pulled up to funeral home, neither of us wanted to go in. Before we got out of the car, Steven prayed that God would show us the Noah that was in heaven, not the body that was left behind.  He also prayed for a peace beyond all understanding. I thought we were going to talk to the director for a bit first, but he ushered us in to see our son in a casket instead. I was NOT prepared for that. I really don't think I would have ever been prepared. I had planned to say what I wanted to say to Noah, but I couldn't. The body was not Noah. I actually said that out loud. My pastor's wife told me she felt the same way when her daughter went to heaven. Yes, that body was the body God created for my son, but his soul is in heaven. My friend Melissa had printed a picture of Noah that was set up on an easel next to him. I had to say what I was going to say to that picture. That was the image of Noah I wanted to remember. After the viewing Steven and I just looked at each other and knew we were both thinking the same thing.  We had a peace, and we didn't understand. See, all you have to do is ask.

"There is no tragedy in being ushered quickly from this life to the next when that next life is in the presence of God." -Nancy Guthrie

I may feel sad and depressed at times, but my belief that Noah is in heaven and I will one day see him again helps those feelings turn to peace.


ann said...

You are an amazing woman Jenny. As I read your post I am comforted by what you say. I miss Noah very much but do realize that I will see him in heaven one day. I know that Noah would love the puppy you chose. When I first saw him I knew that he belonged to our family. He looks just like the Scout that I bought for Noah. So I can say welcome to the family Scout.
Noah your Mom,Dad and Theo will take wonderful care of Scout and we will see you in heaven. Love you Noah. Sending hugs your way. Grandma

The Mrs. said...

Thank you for sharing this! When we first saw Noah's body, I told Joseph, "this is not him." Joseph and I want to know more about Heaven now. It's amazing just how much more real Heaven is to me now! This has made me really understand that our lives are but a vapor. See, Noah is still teaching me things and inspiring me to be a better person. I love Scout, and I know he will bring all of you so much joy!

Tiffany Hebb said...

You write so beautifully and express yourself nicely. Hope your week is going ok. Hope you are still breathing and holding onto your faith. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. One day closer to seeing Noah!

jenny said...

Jenny ~ Thank you for writing this. It was actually a tiny bit encouraging for me. You are much more at peace than I have been and I envy that at times. This post was very good and insightful for me.

I think I will order that book today.

I, too, have been very preoccupied with learning more about heaven. I purchased quite a few books written by people who claimed to have "gone to heaven and come back" know, like that "Heaven is For Real" book about the little boy who saw Heaven. I wanted to read all books by people who claim to have seen and compare them all. I want to see if it is legitimate. If I can just be given more confirmation that I will get to actually see Vienne when I get there and recognize her and hold her...I think I can find more peace in that. I just long to know that.

Anyway...thank you.
Much love and care ~ Jenny