Monday, February 11, 2013

Silver Linings

On the way home from a church event the other night the DJ on the radio asked people to call in and tell him about their bad day. His promise was to help them find a "silver lining." I don't know if it was the jovial tone of voice he had or the fact that this week was really hard for me, but this just about sent me over the edge. It was almost like someone was telling me to smile a little. (That actually happened, by the way). I wanted to call in and dare him to find the silver lining in my "bad day." Where is the silver lining in a life without my Noah? I miss him so much. So much that I physically hurt. I miss holding his hand, hugging him, hearing him say "I love you mommy," watching him draw, everything about him I miss. 

Once I realized I was so bitter that it was going to take me a while to get out of it, I prayed. 'God, you tell me what the silver lining is in all of this.' Immediately I imagined Him telling me, "Heaven. With Me." Oh yeah. I already knew that. I am so sad without Noah, but he is perfect in the presence of God and never sad. I knew about heaven before Noah was there. I never really felt or thought about the yearning for it until now. "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11 Not only do I have a yearning for heaven, but my relationship with God has changed. I know His love, compassion, forgiveness, strength, friendship, etc. I know that He is eternal. I'll never know God's reasoning for this, and I'm not supposed to. The only thing to do is trust and "know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

If you are having a bad day and reading this, please remember two things: 
1. It's ok to have bad days. They allow you to be thankful for the good days. Things could be worse, trust me. 
2. God is greater than our suffering. 

I love you pal. You're always on my mind and in my heart. 


The Mrs. said...

I adore this photo and your blog!

Dianne Hamm said...

When I read your blogs they leave me with such a feeling of "Jenny is going to be okay" I really can not put into words the feelings I have for your faith but, I know I have a heavy heart for you but feel if anybody can get through this it will be you with the love you have for God and Noah. Think of you often and appreciate this and your previous blog good grief.
You write beautifully and maybe you should see if you can publish some kind of book reflecting your pain and how you are coping with it, maybe it could help other parents that are going through it and do not know how to express it and your words can help them :)

Annie said...

Jenny my dear daughter you write from the heart. This blog touches my heart, because I too had a hard week. I know God has a reason or a plan and it is hard for us not to know what it is. I truly believe that Noah is happy and feeling no pain. I miss him so much. I miss hearing "Hey Grandma Guess what." A Grandma cries for the ache of not having that little boy to hug and cries for the my daughter and son in law. I also cry for Theo and the brother that he looked up to.
God showed me yesterday that he is looking out for Grandpa and I. We joined a church yesterday at a luncheon held for newcomers to the church. A couple that were already members of the church guided us to their table. As we sat down to eat lunch, I told them about Noah. Then I was told that they had lost a daughter two years ago to pneumonia. So God put us with a couple that knew what we were going through.
I miss you Noah my little grandson and will be glad when I see you again in heaven. Love you.

Tiffany Hebb said...

I'm so sorry you can't hear Noah say "hey Grammy guess what". My mom and dads first and only grandchild-my son died about 10 months ago. I know my mom is hurting. She would love to connect with other grandmas. She has a blog or email.
Her name is Sheri

Tiffany Hebb said...

Thank you for that hope amidst all the pain. I have had a horrible week to. This was a bad week for so many grieving mommas. Weird.
Hope today brings you a smile and ((hugs))
Love from your friend Tiffany