Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak.
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear.
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
You've held me close to you...
They say that love can heal the broken.
They say that hope can make you see.
They say that faith can find a Savior.
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child.
The lyrics of this song by Jars of Clay has new meaning to me. It has always been a favorite of mine, now I love it even more. One day last week I tried to watch a video of Noah. I couldn't make it through the first minute without crying. Theo had been watching cartoons so I just assumed that he wouldn't notice. To my surprise he came over to me, looked right at me and asked me, "what's wrong Mommy?" I just looked at him and said, "I miss Noah, Theo." There was a pause. He didn't move his gaze from my face. Then he said, "yeah, miss Noah." He ran to get a "napkin" (role of toilet paper), brought it to me, and said, "It's ok Mom, blow you nose." I had tears of sadness and laughter at the same time. Just hearing him say "it's ok Mom" reminded me of when I had to tell Noah that his red fish named "Blue" had died. I was so nervous to tell him because I hated to see him cry. His response was, "It's ok Mom, Blue's in Heaven." Sometimes when I'm in a dark place of despair and I feel like I can't breathe, I pretend that I can hear Noah say, "it's ok Mom, I'm in Heaven." To have faith like a child is something I desire.
A few of my friends have told me stories of how their kids, Noah's friends, have expressed their thoughts and feelings about Noah's move to Heaven. I asked them to write down their stories so that I could remember them. I'd like to share some of those stories:
Dylan and Noah always loved to play together. After Noah passed away Dylan was at a church event where he made a salvation necklace. Each colored bead represents a different aspect of Christian faith. Black: darkness of sin without knowing Jesus. White: Jesus washing our sins white as snow. Red: the blood He shed for our sins. Green: new life in Christ. When explaining the gold bead, Dylan said, "streets of gold in Heaven... where my friend Noah lives!" He also understands that Noah is there waiting on us.
Lily and Jordyn are sisters and have been friends with Noah since we moved here to OR. Lily asked if Noah would recognize her as she will probably be old when she gets there. Also, since he has a new body, will he still look 5? Jordyn says that, now that Noah is Heaven, he knows everything and doesn't have to go to school to learn it. She also says that he knows how to drive a car. They both hope he has made good friends in Heaven.
MaryBeth is also a good friend of Noah. They laughed a lot when they were together. Now that Noah is gone, she draws numerous pictures of him. She doesn't usually draw pictures of her friends, but she does of Noah. Once she drew him surrounded by lots of sunlight. When her parents were telling her that Jesus is heaven she replied, "where Noah is!"
His good friend Lauren recently became a christian. Here's her story from the perspective of her mom:
On Jan 5, I had talked to Lauren a lot throughout the day about what it truly means to be a Christian. We were having one of those talks & I wanted to make sure she understood that following Jesus is a choice & that not everyone chooses it. I wanted her to know that her decision was a choice to follow and something that would be for the rest of her life. I said that some people don't even believe in God or Jesus and don't think there is a Heaven to go to when we die. She said, "Mom, there has to be a Heaven because that's where Noah is". After a little more discussion, she prayed a prayer to choose to follow Jesus and became a Christian. I felt like Noah being in Heaven helped to make it more real to her.
I often wonder what goes on in the minds of Noah's friends, knowing that they will never see him again until Heaven. I hope that Noah's life will continue to give them hope about Heaven. Their ability to easily say that he is there is a comfort to me. I am at peace knowing that's where he is, but I do not yet have peace with the fact that he is gone from me. My heart just doesn't seem full without him here.
|My Noah. I love you so. See you later pal.|