Blessings and a Birthday

The first night we came back from Oklahoma without Noah was more traumatic than what I thought it was going to be. Walking in the front door and seeing one of his favorite stuffed animals came with a wave of intense sadness. The first thing I did was gather up all of his drawings I could find so they would not get lost. Most of them are now in my scrapbook and four are hanging on the wall in frames. There's also a get well card he made me on the refrigerator. The next hurdle was going into his room. While my good friend Jenn stayed downstairs with Theo, Steven and I went upstairs with a box of kleenex. I thought walking in the front door was hard, this was even harder. I immediately lost control. All I could do was lay on his bed sobbing and saying his name over and over again. After gaining our composure, we straightened his toys and put his home depot projects and favorite action heroes on his book shelf, where they would be safe. Later that night it was time to give Theo a bath. I knew this was going to be hard. They always took one together. I got Theo in the bath and then started to cry. I had to turn away so he wouldn't see me. Then, Theo said something I will never forget. "What's wrong Mom? You so sad." This wasn't something I would expect him to say. He hadn't talked in completely sentences very often before that. My answer was that I missed Noah. Theo has been a great blessing to us. His silly antics make me laugh. My fear is that I will always be sad and he will have to grow up with that. I pray that God will give me joy and I will be able to give Theo the best childhood he could have, even though his brother will not be here.

One day last week I decided to take down the tree that Noah had helped me decorate along with all of the other Christmas decor. I did great while I packed everything away. I made sure all of his ornaments were safely wrapped and tucked away in the box. Eventually it was time for Theo to take a nap. After putting him in bed, I went in to Noah's room and just cried. I remember crying out to God and saying that I just want to see Noah's face. I want to know what he's doing. Once I got through that episode, I decided to rearrange the living room furniture. This is what I found under the couch after I moved it:

It's a picture that Noah drew of him in front of a rainbow. I had never seen it before. When I found it, I said, "Thanks God!" Another blessing from Him on a sad day. It's amazing how He provides little pieces of comfort.

Yesterday was Noah's birthday. He would have been 6 years old. I thought about the day he was born. The doctors had to take him away quickly because he needed oxygen but brought him back as soon as they could. I will never forget the first time I saw him. I looked into his face and immediately fell in love. The only thing I could touch was his hand. His tiny little hand. I wasn't even allowed to hold him because he was so fragile. He could only stay for a second because he had to be intubated. We prayed not only for his life, but that he would have a good quality of life. The doctors had told us a week before that there was a chance that he would not have a good quality life because he was going to be so premature. They even asked if we wanted them to help him survive. There really was no hesitation to our answer. If we would have said no, we would not have known him. A few days after he went to heaven, Steven told me that maybe God had answered our prayers back then and then allowed him to live for as long as he could for a purpose. Maybe God saved his life so that he could bring glory to Him with his story. I know he definitely changed my life. 

Dear Noah, 

Happy Birthday! What did you think of your birthday in heaven? I hope you had a great celebration. We did a few things to celebrate here. 

Amy Clark (Jack and Aiden's mom) made your friends buttons to wear on special occasions  Daddy and I wore them, too. It says, "Remembering Noah. A friend forever." Lots of people at church wore them. After church we went to Baja Fresh.

We also sent you some balloons. They didn't have Power Rangers, so I had to settle for Spider Man.

I got some orange flowers to put in the kitchen. 

Uncle Marvin and Aunt Mickey asked if there was anything I wanted them to get for you. This is what I asked for. They also brought you some things. Stephenie and Dan (Rachel and Sam's parents) brought you a balloon. Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Ellen have also been to visit and bring flowers. 

I love you so much Noah and I miss you every day. I remember the sound of your voice when you said, "I love you Mommy." I will never forget that. You are such a blessing to me. 

See you later, 

Mom