Surrender

I still wake up every single morning thinking about Noah and the fact that he is not here. Each day is a battle against depression. Now that the shock has warn off completely, the infinite earthly reality has set  in. I will never see, hug, or talk to Noah again for as long as I'm living on this earth. I'm only 32. The thought of living so many more years is sometimes daunting. This life is still worth living, though. I'm surrendering to this life.  I pray for a "drop of grace to carry me through this day." (For King & Country)

This Christmas season I also struggled with guilt. I experienced joy this month more than I have this entire year. How can I have joy when all I want to do is be sad?? Maybe God is working on my heart. My pastor used a metaphor to explain this struggle to me. He said that happiness is an island and grief is the sea. You can have both at the same time. Joy in the midst of grief. I think I've talked about this before. Maybe it's a thought I should cling to. On Christmas morning my husband and I both woke up around 4am, thinking about Noah. He started to cry and I told him it would be ok. His response was that he wasn't really sad, but humble. Humble? Humble because God sent his son Jesus and what that means for us -- the true meaning of Christmas. Joy in the midst of grief. I love that husband of mine.

Psalm 84:1-5 -- "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young at your alters, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you."

Wow. How fitting this is for me. My soul does long for Heaven. I love metaphors, obviously. I compare myself to the sparrow and swallow. I've found a home and made my nest. An earthly home for now and then a heavenly home. Noah is in the dwelling place of the Lord, singing His praise and is blessed. I am blessed by the strength that only comes from God.

Steven and Theo this Christmas.
These two make me smile. I don't know what I would do without them.
Noah was certainly missed that day (and every day). 

One Year

There just aren't enough words to express how much I miss him. No words at all really. It has been a year since he went to Heaven. I'm still holding on to the memory of our last hug. If only I could hug him again and never let go. The day Noah left I had no idea how I was going to live this life without him. I still have the images almost daily of finding him that morning. The image of his daddy holding him one last time while the paramedics arrived. Oh death, you are so painful. Oh God, please continue to restore my soul! Don't let this strength I have in You fade. I wish he could tell me what Heaven is like. How bright are the colors? How often do the angels sing? What does Noah do there? Are the dreams that I've had about him there really glimpses of Heaven? His prayers were often, "Dear God, thank you for Mom and Dad, me and Feo. I had a good day today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen." Did God say, "you're welcome."?

Theo still asks about him. He often says, "my Noah be back in a minute." Oh how I miss seeing them play together. Noah was Theo's best friend. I hope and pray he will always feel connected with Noah somehow. Quite often I wish he could be here to do things with us, like go to a movie or play at the park. I'm not sad for him, sad for us. I know I've said that a million times.

I knew this one year anniversary was going to be very hard so I had to think of a way to celebrate his life and what kind of boy he is. Just like I planned his 5th birthday party for months, I planned this event for that long. We called it the Be Kind campaign. The idea was for people to do an act of kindness for someone else and leave a card behind that said it was in loving memory of Noah. He was such a kind and gentle friend so we thought this was the perfect way to remember him. Many acts have been done so far and I hope it continues.

I have great joy in knowing with all of my heart that he is safe and with God. The hope that I will see him one day has been my crutch. I dream of the day when I get to see Jesus face to face and then He will take me to see Noah. I also dream of the day when the four of us can be together again. Thank you God for Heaven and all of it's joy! While we wait to get there, we will make sure that his life will leave an impact on this earth and will continue to share his kindness.