Bitter

I'm really struggling with bitterness lately. Yes, I'm aware that I have plenty of things to be thankful for. But. I get so frustrated hearing people complain about things that don't matter. I know it's not fair to feel that way, they didn't cause my life to be like this, so I shouldn't expect everyone else who isn't hurting to be happy 100% of the time. Still, it bothers me. I'm just bitter. That's what Satan wants. He wants me to be bitter. Someday I am going to have to make a decision to throw that bitterness and despair away and give it to God. I feel like I can't let go of it right now. I'm not saying I feel this way all of the time, just moments throughout the day. Maybe this is a normal process in my grief journey. I know God won't give up on me.

Tuesday of this week I attended a life celebration service for a wonderful woman of God, Leta. She and her husband were Noah's Sunday School teachers when he was 3 and 4 years old. She taught my son about God and now they are together in the presence of Him. My pastor said a few things that I don't want to forget. His daughter Tish went to Heaven several years ago in a car accident. He said when people apologized for his loss he would have to say that he didn't lose his daughter, he knew where she was. She is in Heaven. I still can't say that Noah died. How could he have died if he is living in Heaven? I just can't say "dead." I don't believe it to be true in that sense. Pastor Norm also told the family of Leta that sometimes they will have a glimpse of Heaven, the veil will be pulled away for just a second. I know what he's talking about. The rainbow picture I found, the little things that Theo says, things that I find of Noah's, and other things that are too special to me to share -- all glimpses of Heaven. You could also call them blessings from God. See, if Pastor Norm says that we will experience those things, then I am not crazy!

Guess What

"Hey Mom, guess what!" Noah would always say. Often times there was no response to "what Noah?" He just said that to get your attention. A few months after Noah left Theo started saying it, too. He usually says it in the car. A couple of days before Mother's Day we were driving somewhere and from the backseat I heard, "hey Mom, guess what." My automatic response is, "what Theo?" followed by mind going back to what I was thinking about because I know he won't say anything after that. To my surprise he said, "I'm happy." The tears immediately started to fall. You may think I'm crazy, but my first thought was to thank God for sending me a message about Noah. I was telling this story to a very close friend of mine. I left out the part that I thought would make me sound crazy, but again, to my surprise, she had the same thought. So, maybe I'm not crazy after all! Well, I probably am, but not completely.

This Mother's Day was tough, more so than I thought it was going to be. I kept telling myself to be thankful that I am the mother of two amazing boys. I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I was denied a hug and a drawing from Noah. I have always loved his artwork, as any other mother loves her child's creations. I think that was the hardest part for me. Thankfully, I had friends and my husband and Theo to hug on. My friend's daughter Lauren gave me so many hugs that day I lost count! What a blessing she is to me.

Steven gave me this, along with flowers and a special card, as a mother's day gift. His title is "kindness." Just like my Noah. He had a spirit of kindness that always impressed me. Steven wished he could have brought Noah home to me for Mother's Day. I wished that, too. Alas, that can't happen. Noah will always be our son, though. We will always love him and that love will forever be with us.

The flowers I received from Steven along with a rose from my friend Elizabeth.

Today is Theo's 3rd birthday. Happy Birthday little brother! We went to the children's museum today to celebrate. We'll have another party with a few friends. Theo will never know how much of a hero he is to me.

I have this fear that Theo won't remember all of the things he knows about Noah. He's only 3, I don't remember a whole lot from when I turned 3. A man in our Grief Share class suggested I write a letter to Theo talking about the relationship he had with his brother and describing Noah. I would have to tell Theo that Noah loved him so much. He was always looking out for him. He called him "Feo." I can still hear him say, "Feo!" when he would get frustrated with Theo. Noah would always be there to help Theo when he would get frustrated with something. Noah loved to sing Theo a song at bedtime. 

Go to sleep Theo

Sweet dreams Theo

We'll play again in the morning

And have fun tomorrow.

Then he would give him a hug or blow him a kiss and say "I love you, Feo, goodnight." Sure there were times when they would argue, but not very often, mainly because Noah was pretty patient. For the most part, their relationship was special. They were best friends. I'm sad that Noah can't be here to spend Theo's birthday with him. 

5 months

Five months ago today my little boy left this earth.  Maybe that's why today is so hard.  Sometimes I feel like I need to say I hate my life, even though I don't hate it in general.  I hate that life has to go on without my Noah.  Geez, I miss that boy so much!!  The pain is just so suffocating sometimes.

There's a song by Laura Story that I've loved for a while.  It has more meaning for me now.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

I just love it so much.  I love how music is healing.  I realized a few weeks ago that when I worship, sing praises to God, Noah is also singing to the same God, only in Heaven. Not only am I connected to Noah in the fact that he is a part of me, but I'm also connected to him through our Heavenly Father.  When I start to see the images of finding Noah that morning five months ago I try really, really hard to picture him in Heaven instead.  I know I've talked about this before.  To be honest, it is getting easier to do that.  Some days are easier than others.   I'm thankful for those answered prayers.

This weekend, about 50 of my friends and my aunt walked in the March for Babies in honor of Noah. We raised $2,309! Southwest Washington and Oregon together raised over $1 million! I was scared that the day was going to be really hard for me.  We have walked with Noah several times before in the March for Babies.  Having such a great group of friends for support was truly a blessing to us.  I love our church family.  Doing good things helps heal the heart.  I am sure Noah is proud of us.

Reality

I suppose it's true.  He really is gone.  My friend Jenn and I took a trip to Oklahoma last weekend to visit Noah's spot, I don't want to call it a grave.  This was the first time I had seen his marker.  I had a knot in the pit of my stomach on the drive to the cemetery.  I knew seeing it was going to be hard, I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  Walking up the sidewalk to the Garden of Angels, where all of the children are buried, I couldn't hold back my tears.  Once I got closer I just broke down, sobbed uncontrollably and loudly.  If I didn't have people there supporting me I probably would have been a lot louder.  After touching the marker with my hands just so that I would know in my head that it was real, God reminded me that Noah is with him.  I had asked a few friends to pray for the trip and for me while I was there.  I am sure someone prayed for that.  In fact, I know someone did.  Someone also prayed that I would feel the presence of God, and I did.

There was another spot a few feet away that had a large pinwheel.  I wanted one for Noah's spot so we picked one up at Hobby Lobby and brought it there on our second visit.  In my heart I want these images to represent the fact that Noah is in Heaven.  He's in a perfect place with no hate, sadness, betrayal, anger, insecurities, tears, selfishness, etc. I don't want this grave to represent death like it is supposed to, I want it to represent life in Heaven.  I am not sure my mind is going to let me do that, though.  

You might not be able to see them, but we let some balloons go while we were there. 

When we returned to Portland there was a double rainbow to greet us.  Rainbows have a "double" meaning for me.  They represent God's love and mercy for us.  They also represent Noah being with Jesus. 

I posted this picture in January I think.  The day I had taken the Christmas tree down I cried out to God to show me that Noah was with him.  For some reason, I decided to move the furniture around.  I found this picture under the couch.  Noah in front of a rainbow.  I still have no idea where that paper came from and had no idea he had drawn it.  Revelation 4:3 says there's a rainbow shining like an emerald that encircles the throne in Heaven.  I'm sure Noah has seen that rainbow. 

Thank you to my friends and family who have supported us during this most difficult time of our lives. It still hurts tremendously.  I miss him so much and think about him constantly.  It's hard to think about living on this earth without him, but this life here is only temporary.  I know God's love and mercy are abundant. 

God

Looking back on last week, I can see where God was working on my heart.  Most every night I cried right before I went to sleep.  I just get so bitter and sad sometimes.  I feel like I can't breath because I just want to have Noah back.  It's like there's a battlefield in my mind. One minute I'm ok (at least as ok as I can be) and the next minute I'm angry.  I got so worked up that I snapped at Steven for no reason one night.  That night I kept waking up several times.  Once I just woke up thinking about God.  I can't really explain what I was thinking about exactly, I just know that my mind was on Him.  I learned the next day that my friend Laura from church had prayed for me that night.  She was having a hard time sleeping so she decided to pray, for me.

On another hard night, I had a dream about Noah.  I was crying in my dream and then he was hugging me.  I couldn't see him, but I could feel that it was him.  The next part of the dream I told him that I loved him and I heard him say, "I love you too, Mom." I couldn't see his face but I could tell that he was wearing white.  I loved hearing him say that. 

We attend a Grief Share class once a week.  Last week's lesson was entitled, "Why?" We were all very intrigued by this topic, wondering if they actually had the answer. There really isn't an answer to that question.  I learned that it is ok to ask God questions, but He doesn't promise that he will answer all of them.  We don't have the capacity to understand God.  He wants us to trust him, not judge him with asking "why?"  Honestly, I'm not here yet.  Yes, I trust God, and know he will "cause everything to work together for the good."  But, I still have to wonder why Noah was taken from me.  I still want to be selfish.  I can't help it, I'm broken and imperfect.  God isn't shocked by my despair.  He knows my heart.  I just pray that He will continue to heal it.  

This Easter weekend I was reminded that God is the Father of comfort and peace beyond all understanding.  I found joy in doing the Easter traditions with Theo that Noah would have loved.  Although, it is hard to see Theo doing these things without his best friend there beside him.  On the way to an Easter egg hunt he said, "we miss Noah."  He's also been asking to go get him more often than he has been.  I'm looking forward to the day when Theo will understand what Heaven is.  As we celebrated the resurrection of Jesus on Sunday, all I could think about was that Noah was in the presence of Jesus.  Can you imagine?  I just had this overwhelming peace that day.  It was actually a little scary.  I'm not ready to feel that joyful yet.  

Hi Pal. We missed you while we were coloring Easter eggs.  Theo was so excited to color them. I know you would have been too. 

We made a special egg just for you.  

Theo wore the same jacket you wore when you were 3. He also wore his Noah pin.  He loves to wear it.  He sure misses you. I know that your Easter celebration was something special in Heaven. I love you so much Noah. 

I wish someone could come and bear my burdens, just for a while.  I'm so exhausted.  I'm tired of smiling when I don't feel like it.  If I have a day where things are just hard I get really tired.  Grief affects a lot of aspects of  my life.  My relationships with friends or family have changed.  Some are stronger now and some relationships are just simply over.  I can't handle stress the same way.  Yesterday was Palm Sunday.  At our church some of the kids participate in a parade through the sanctuary during worship with palm branches.  I've never actually seen Noah participate, but this would have been his last year to do it.  At first I thought I should hide out because I knew it was going to be hard for me.  I decided to stay and watch.  It was hard for me to see his friends without him there.  My friend Jenn told me earlier in the week to think about Noah doing the same parade in Heaven, in front of Jesus.  I didn't think about that until later.  It would have helped.  Instead I took a little break after they left and cried in the bathroom.  Thank you to the lady who knocked on the door and told me she was praying for me, whoever you were.  Not only was I having a difficult morning because of that, but Theo was also having some issues.  He sometimes has difficulty getting a handle on his aggression and grumpiness.  Don't we all?  When we were on our way home from lunch he told me that he missed Noah and then he fell asleep.  Maybe that had something to do with his actions.  I can see the change in him and how he is dealing with his brother being gone.  That combined with his almost 3 year old behavior scares me a little.  All I can do is pray for and love him and not worry about it so much.  At least I can try not to.

All I could think about that morning was that life would just be better if Noah were here.  That's the first thing that comes to mind when anything difficult happens.  It doesn't even have to be related to Noah.  One of my fellow grieving mothers and I talked about this recently.  Grief is all-consuming.

The lyrics of the song that I sang with the choir were very fitting yesterday. "I want Jesus to walk with me. In my trials Lord, walk with me. When my whole life becomes a burden, I want Jesus to walk with me. In my sorry Lord, please walk with me. When my poor heart is almost breaking, I want Jesus to walk with me." I have this burden of not having Noah here on this earth with me.  Can Jesus bear this burden with me?  Will He help me see that this life is not all there is?  Can He help me understand that I will see Noah again in Heaven and on the New Earth and it will all be perfect?  Will He teach me that it is all about Him and not about me?

A Forever Friend

When we first moved to Oregon, Noah was pretty much my only friend. We hardly knew anyone here so Noah and I did a lot of stuff together, just the two of us. We explored a lot: beach, cheese factory, children's museum, the mall, Target, parks, etc. We even discovered our church one day just driving around. We were the best of friends. Other than the fact that he is my son, I think that time of our lives enabled us to have a close bond.

Noah loved his daddy so much. They always had a good time together, no matter what they did.

This was before our date together to see The Lion King on Broadway. 

I loved doing fun activities with him. Baking was one of my favorites. 

May 14, 2010. Theo was born. We became a family of 4. 

Haha. I love how he could just be silly at the drop of a hat. So much joy in his heart. 

Playing Legos together, a favorite activity. 

They were instant best friends.

Well, an older brother has the right to torture little brother once in a while, right?

Home Depot projects, another favorite activity. 

My boys. 

Theo wouldn't go down this slide unless big brother went with him at first. 

Trip to the zoo with some friends. Noah always loved playing with the little kids. 

Having fun with friends. 

What a silly face. He had fun playing with Dylan.

Riding the motorcycle at the amusement park with Lauren.

He LOVED having his friends over for parties. He would always ask if we could have a party and he would try to help me plan it.

I'm sorry if I left anyone out on this post. I couldn't get through more photos because I couldn't hold back the tears. 

Dear Noah, 

Hey pal. I'm so glad you were a friend to many. I know the parties and get-togethers won't be the same without you, but I'd like to think that you are with us in our hearts. It's comforting to know that you are at a great big party in Heaven. I hope that doing the things you loved to do will bring me joy. I love you so much, Noah. I'm really thankful that you are my son and that you are perfect in Heaven. I'm thankful that you are being taken care of by God. I really miss you. See you later alligator. 

Love you to the moon and back, 

Mom