He is Still Missed… and Loved

Yesterday Theo said, "Mommy, I love you." He then ran to get this picture. It sits in a small frame on the entry table. He said, "I love my Noah. I miss my Noah. He's at Heaven." I love and miss him, too. While I am thankful that Theo remembers his older brother and knows where he is, the unfairness is more than I can handle sometimes. It is not fair that his best friend is gone. I am certain that I am not as much fun to play with as Noah would be. I know that there are plenty of kids without siblings and that everyone suffers a loss at times in their lives. This just wasn't my plan. I've lost the future that I thought my family was going to have. People told me the second year of grief could be harder than the first. I didn't believe that at first. There's no set plan or structure for the process of grief, but I think there are things that do make it harder after the shock wears off. Life has moved on for the world around me, but I am still here in my grief. My body is tired of being strong. I have anxiety and had to seek help for it. I'm aware that my plans can never be certain and I am not in control. God never promised life would be easy, but he did promise that He would walk with us through this life.

Life Goes On

I haven't blogged in a while, unless you count the last short post that was desperately written in the middle of the night. I've been struggling with how to deal with this world and how it seems to be pulling me forward when all I want to do is mourn. I've been so grumpy I didn't even blog about Noah's birthday. It has been 1 year and 2 months since he went to Heaven. I have to learn to put on a smile even when I don't feel like it, to put all my bitterness aside when people talk about their kids going to school, growing up, turning 7, etc. Let me be clear, I'm NOT saying I don't want them to talk about that with me, I'm just learning to be ok with hearing it. My grief is old news to others, but not to me. I'm not complaining, just stating the truth. That's how life works. It moves forward.

Living with grief is hard. It's a constant roller coaster ride. You can be fine one minute and then completely hysterical the next. When I go in Noah's room it often ends up being one of those hysterical moments. A few weeks ago I was so angry I called out to God, "why did you take him from me?! Just let me be SAD!!" What would His answer be? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think it would be along the lines of, "Ok, I will let you be sad, but I am not leaving you. I am your God and this is not for you to understand. You are mine. I am with you in your grief and I am with Noah. Be sad, but take my comfort. I am Lord of Heaven AND earth. 'Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you." I think it's important to bring these fears to God. I think He wants that. In a time of grief I'm sure it's normal to have those doubts and fears. I just have to remember that God did not take my Noah, he called him to Heaven to be with Him forever. Noah was here for as long as he could be. Every time I look at his picture and sadness overcomes me, I think of one word, "Heaven."

February 2012

Why does Heaven seem so far away? The sadness of this life is almost unbearable at times.

Surrender

I still wake up every single morning thinking about Noah and the fact that he is not here. Each day is a battle against depression. Now that the shock has warn off completely, the infinite earthly reality has set  in. I will never see, hug, or talk to Noah again for as long as I'm living on this earth. I'm only 32. The thought of living so many more years is sometimes daunting. This life is still worth living, though. I'm surrendering to this life.  I pray for a "drop of grace to carry me through this day." (For King & Country)

This Christmas season I also struggled with guilt. I experienced joy this month more than I have this entire year. How can I have joy when all I want to do is be sad?? Maybe God is working on my heart. My pastor used a metaphor to explain this struggle to me. He said that happiness is an island and grief is the sea. You can have both at the same time. Joy in the midst of grief. I think I've talked about this before. Maybe it's a thought I should cling to. On Christmas morning my husband and I both woke up around 4am, thinking about Noah. He started to cry and I told him it would be ok. His response was that he wasn't really sad, but humble. Humble? Humble because God sent his son Jesus and what that means for us -- the true meaning of Christmas. Joy in the midst of grief. I love that husband of mine.

Psalm 84:1-5 -- "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young at your alters, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you."

Wow. How fitting this is for me. My soul does long for Heaven. I love metaphors, obviously. I compare myself to the sparrow and swallow. I've found a home and made my nest. An earthly home for now and then a heavenly home. Noah is in the dwelling place of the Lord, singing His praise and is blessed. I am blessed by the strength that only comes from God.

Steven and Theo this Christmas.
These two make me smile. I don't know what I would do without them.
Noah was certainly missed that day (and every day). 

One Year

There just aren't enough words to express how much I miss him. No words at all really. It has been a year since he went to Heaven. I'm still holding on to the memory of our last hug. If only I could hug him again and never let go. The day Noah left I had no idea how I was going to live this life without him. I still have the images almost daily of finding him that morning. The image of his daddy holding him one last time while the paramedics arrived. Oh death, you are so painful. Oh God, please continue to restore my soul! Don't let this strength I have in You fade. I wish he could tell me what Heaven is like. How bright are the colors? How often do the angels sing? What does Noah do there? Are the dreams that I've had about him there really glimpses of Heaven? His prayers were often, "Dear God, thank you for Mom and Dad, me and Feo. I had a good day today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen." Did God say, "you're welcome."?

Theo still asks about him. He often says, "my Noah be back in a minute." Oh how I miss seeing them play together. Noah was Theo's best friend. I hope and pray he will always feel connected with Noah somehow. Quite often I wish he could be here to do things with us, like go to a movie or play at the park. I'm not sad for him, sad for us. I know I've said that a million times.

I knew this one year anniversary was going to be very hard so I had to think of a way to celebrate his life and what kind of boy he is. Just like I planned his 5th birthday party for months, I planned this event for that long. We called it the Be Kind campaign. The idea was for people to do an act of kindness for someone else and leave a card behind that said it was in loving memory of Noah. He was such a kind and gentle friend so we thought this was the perfect way to remember him. Many acts have been done so far and I hope it continues.

I have great joy in knowing with all of my heart that he is safe and with God. The hope that I will see him one day has been my crutch. I dream of the day when I get to see Jesus face to face and then He will take me to see Noah. I also dream of the day when the four of us can be together again. Thank you God for Heaven and all of it's joy! While we wait to get there, we will make sure that his life will leave an impact on this earth and will continue to share his kindness.

Coping with Grief: A Christian Perspective

I don't claim to be an expert and I'm not telling you how to feel or when to feel it. I'm just a mom who is going through this journey of learning to live this life on earth without my son. Over the past year I've learned a few things that have helped me along the way.

Life is never the same, but you have to learn to cope, or adapt. It is a very long process. Everyone grieves differently. Anger, shock, sadness, denial, depression, and even physical pain are all feelings associated with grief that everyone will likely feel. Pain of grief is unique. There are no magic words to take away this pain, but in this pain you will learn to live by faith. Living by faith allows you to learn to cope with the despair that you're feeling. Grieving is a natural response and is necessary to heal.

Music

Music can be very powerful therapy. Just hearing the words that you feel from someone else is comforting. The most helpful song for me is Mercy Me's "The Hurt and the Healer."

Some other songs that are awesome are:

"Keep Singing"-Mercy Me

"With Hope"-Steven Curtis Chapman

"There Will be a Day"-Jeremy Camp

"Already There"-Casting Crowns

Worship

My pastor, who's daughter passed away as a young adult, preached on worship this last Sunday. He said that worshipping when your heart is broken is pure worship. That kind of worship is about God's character and not the things he gives you. It will restore you, help you regain your perspective, and help you focus on the eternity. It was hard for me sometimes to worship, to be honest. The words just didn't seem authentic to me because I allowed bitterness in my heart. There were also sometimes when I just didn't want to be happy, but I sang the words anyway. I definitely felt that way at Noah's life celebration service. I used all of the courage and energy I had to sing those words. God gave me a great gift when he gave me Noah. I am not about to let Satan take my thankfulness away.

Scripture

In order to control the bitterness, I think it's important to read scripture often when you're grieving. I remember asking my friends for their favorite scripture. Here are a few verses to meditate on:

• "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

• "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

• "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

• "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I think it's important to remember verse 13. When you're in the pit of despair and you don't know how you're going to make it through, God will meet you there, you just have to ask.

Books

Noah passed away in Oklahoma. A week later we had to fly back home to Oregon, without him. That was the most difficult trip I've ever made. I went to Oklahoma with a son in each hand and left with the 11x16 picture that was on display at his funeral and his little brother instead. On the airplane I read the entire book, Heaven is for Real. It's about a young boy who almost died from appendicitis. While he was in surgery he actually went to Heaven and then came back. The book paints a beautiful picture of Heaven and is very believable. It's also easy to read. Another good book to read is Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Her daughter and son passed away from Zellweger Syndrome. Also an easy read and Biblically based.

Counsel

We attended a class called Grief Share. It's a nationwide program that is Christian based. It's for anyone who is going through the grieving process. They meet once a week. I highly recommend at least trying it out. Another thing that is helpful is to have a friend who will listen to you talk through your emotions at any time. I am blessed with a lot of family and friends who have been there to listen, encourage, or just sit with me. You can also seek counsel with a pastor or a therapist. Do what's best for you.

Heavenly-minded

Imagine if we lived in a world full of disappointments, pain, war, shootings, death, etc. Oh wait, we do. I'm not saying that there is nothing good in this world. God is good and his creations are good. If you think this life is void of pain, then you're in a bubble. Sorry to tell you that. Even if you haven't experienced some kind of heartache, this world is still not perfect. However, there is a place that is. A place where there are no more tears, no more suffering. Our home is there. (Philippians 3:20).

Just remember, our lives change whether we want them to or not, but God does not change. His dwelling place is Heaven, where Noah is. He's safe and sound from this world and that is where I will spend eternity. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

An Answer?

Yesterday I received a long-awaited phone call from the Medical Examiner's office in Oklahoma City. We've waited almost 11 months for the answer to this question, "why did our son die?" Here's the answer; no cause found, inconclusive. No cause found? They did every test they could think of. There is one test left that will take up to a year to get the results back, but that's the very last test. A genetic heart disease test. That doesn't mean that they think that's what it is. That is their last resort because it costs $5,000 and they don't have a lot of funding.

So, what am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to live my life never knowing what happened? My husband very wisely said that there is no hope in knowing, only hope in Heaven. If we would have known the cause I would always think about what I could have done to prevent it. How could a happy and presumably healthy boy just go to sleep and never wake up? Knowing that they couldn't find anything and his doctor didn't find anything in her scouring over his charts makes me believe that there's nothing we could have done. If there was something, we would have done it. There is one small voice that keeps saying, "why didn't God tell me there was something wrong? why didn't He make it more apparent?" It is not my place to question God. It is only my place to TRUST Him. Trust Him that he is in control. Perhaps it was His grace that we didn't find out the cause, as said by a good friend. I'm going to be honest, sometimes it is hard to trust that this will all be ok and that the joy will come. I think the only way to reach that trust is to ask Him for the strength to get there. Not just ask for extra strength, but God size strength.

I miss Noah so much. I really miss taking care of him. I'm so thankful that I have two boys. I don't know what I'd do without Theo. He'll never know how much he means to me. I was meant to be a mom. So now I have to parent him from here on this earth. One way I can think to do that is to attempt to bring purpose to his life and carry on his legacy that he left behind. That is why I'm embarking on the "Be Kind" campaign. I'm committing to continuing this campaign on November 29th for the rest of my life. I'm not doing it just for Noah, I'm doing it for myself, too. I think doing things for others will bring me joy. As I've said before, I'm searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow.

I just want to thank you all for your support throughout this very difficult time in our lives. We have such great friends and family. Thank you to those who have listened to me talk about my suffering and have been there with me when I've cried. Thank you for loving our Theo and accepting his crazy antics as he learns to live this life without his brother. This journey we are on to healing will be very long I'm sure. Your letters, messages, phone calls, hugs, talks, and prayers are all very very appreciated. Much love to you!