"Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." 2 Corinthians 6:10. Oh Paul, you're so right. You may wonder why I'm rejoicing while my heart is broken into a million pieces. My answer -- the hope of joy that only comes from God. I just can't say that enough. Romans 5:2-3 says, "Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of underserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance." I'm not saying that I'm happy and rejoicing that Noah is gone. I'm just searching for the joy that will endure through the sorrow. Looking forward to the day I will see him again. Oh how my heart aches for that day. An ache too painful for words.
John Piper wrote, "So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with the power and goodness of God." Wow! One day our tears will be wiped away and death will be no more. I think I can rejoice in that. How about you?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Are you happy?
Yesterday Theo asked if I was happy. It took me by surprise. I'm sure he asked because I had been crying a few hours before that. My answer was, "Um, I have joy... Are you happy?" Thankfully he said, "yeah." I just can't bring myself to say that I'm happy. I think that's a fair thing to say. Although, I'm certainly not going to tell Theo that I'm unhappy. He might take it personally and I don't want him to remember his mother as an unhappy, bitter person. Also, just because I'm not happy right now doesn't mean that I just sit in my house to mope, say "woe-is-me, " and drown my sorrows in iced blended coffees. Well, maybe I do that some days... ok, most days. I'm still able to smile and laugh. And yes, I do count my blessings and thank God for what he has given me. I don't have to be reminded of that. I am also aware that I'm not the only person who is suffering in this world, but this is my blog and my thoughts, so I'm going to talk about me.
Theo's question made me think about the last time I was truly happy. I don't remember an exact day, more of a season - last fall. I have pictures to prove it. No pictures of me, of course. I'm usually behind the camera.
I often wonder if I will ever be truly, completely happy again. Is there anyone who feels that way, though? Aren't we always wanting more? Why can't we just be content with God? Why do I have to be bitter about this bumpy, twisty-turny road that I'm on? You know, this road leads to somewhere. Heaven. I suppose that is what hope and joy are all about. Sure, I can be depressed and in despair because my Noah is gone from me. I can be mad and angry that I can't hug him or hear him laugh. Or, I can choose to remember his laugh and his hugs. I can choose to be thankful that I got to experience that for almost 6 happy years. I could have not known him at all. I can choose to focus on the hope of Heaven and someday, maybe I'll be happy again. After all, this is only a shadow of our real life. An eternal life in the presence of God is my future reality. Noah is still my son, and he always, always will be.
Theo's question made me think about the last time I was truly happy. I don't remember an exact day, more of a season - last fall. I have pictures to prove it. No pictures of me, of course. I'm usually behind the camera.
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| Best friends. Look how happy they are. Theo wouldn't go down the slide unless Noah did. Theo has become a lot more brave since then. I'm sure he would go down it now. |
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| This, this is my happy moment. |
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| My buddy. Even he was truly happy on this day. It took a long time for him to smile at the camera like this again. |
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| My silly boy. I love him so. |
I often wonder if I will ever be truly, completely happy again. Is there anyone who feels that way, though? Aren't we always wanting more? Why can't we just be content with God? Why do I have to be bitter about this bumpy, twisty-turny road that I'm on? You know, this road leads to somewhere. Heaven. I suppose that is what hope and joy are all about. Sure, I can be depressed and in despair because my Noah is gone from me. I can be mad and angry that I can't hug him or hear him laugh. Or, I can choose to remember his laugh and his hugs. I can choose to be thankful that I got to experience that for almost 6 happy years. I could have not known him at all. I can choose to focus on the hope of Heaven and someday, maybe I'll be happy again. After all, this is only a shadow of our real life. An eternal life in the presence of God is my future reality. Noah is still my son, and he always, always will be.
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| I love the faces on his pumpkins. I love that he was creative, kind, and overall pretty happy. |
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
First Day of School
Today would have been Noah's first day of the first grade. I keep wondering what he would be wearing, if he would have the same Wall-E backpack, and about how excited he would be. I'm sure he would be wearing a plaid or polo shirt. I wish I could hear all about his day. I wish I could just pick him up from school like that's where he's been this whole time. Life is NOT FAIR!! My life is not fair. Today, I am having a pity party. Pitiful me. I don't feel this way all of the time. The realization that he is not coming back is more real. The pain is bearable but my heart will always always be broken. Ugh.
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| A picture from the first day of last year. I miss you so much Noah. Your Daddy, Theo, and I love you. Today is Daddy's birthday. Wish you could have been here. You are always here with us though because we will always love you and that love makes you a part of us. This is not where it ends. See you later my pal. |
Monday, August 19, 2013
What Would Jesus Do? (and a little soap-boxing)
"Jesus wept." John 11:35. Why? Because his friend Lazarus, whom he loved, died. Two verses before that says, "Therefore, when Jesus saw her [Mary, this sister of Lazarus] weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled." According to Pastor Greg Laurie, the greek work for "troubled" could be translated to "angry." Jesus was angry at death. He was sad because his friend was dead and the people who loved him were full of sorrow. I can be angry at death and sad that Noah is gone. I'm going to feel this way for as long as I need to.
Most of you know what happens next in the story of Lazarus. 38 So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. 39 Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” 41 So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said,“Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” 43 When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.” 44 The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”
I find it interesting that both Mary and Martha questioned Jesus and told him that he had been there their brother would not be dead. Little did they know, God had amazing things planned for them. Noah isn't coming back to me. I will go to him in Heaven. If I believe I will see the glory of God. "For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT. My present troubles are NOT small, but thinking eternally, they may be quite small.
Someone suggested to me in an indirect way that my focus in Heaven should be on God and not Noah. First of all, that hurt my feelings. Second of all, you don't know my heart. My son is dead. There, I said it. The only thing that gets me through is the HOPE of seeing him in Heaven WITH Jesus. Of course I want more than anything to see my Creator, Savior, Counselor. I get to be in His presence with my son. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but I know enough and have been given enough validation through my prayers, scripture, and other people God has spoken through to have faith that dream will come true. If you've never read the book Heaven is for Real, you should read it. Also, before you decide to tell me how to grieve, take a moment and think about the pain of losing a child, or anyone you love so dearly. Ok, gettin' down off my soap box now.
Most of you know what happens next in the story of Lazarus. 38 So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. 39 Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” 41 So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said,“Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” 43 When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.” 44 The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”
I find it interesting that both Mary and Martha questioned Jesus and told him that he had been there their brother would not be dead. Little did they know, God had amazing things planned for them. Noah isn't coming back to me. I will go to him in Heaven. If I believe I will see the glory of God. "For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT. My present troubles are NOT small, but thinking eternally, they may be quite small.
Someone suggested to me in an indirect way that my focus in Heaven should be on God and not Noah. First of all, that hurt my feelings. Second of all, you don't know my heart. My son is dead. There, I said it. The only thing that gets me through is the HOPE of seeing him in Heaven WITH Jesus. Of course I want more than anything to see my Creator, Savior, Counselor. I get to be in His presence with my son. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but I know enough and have been given enough validation through my prayers, scripture, and other people God has spoken through to have faith that dream will come true. If you've never read the book Heaven is for Real, you should read it. Also, before you decide to tell me how to grieve, take a moment and think about the pain of losing a child, or anyone you love so dearly. Ok, gettin' down off my soap box now.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Hope
I wish I could come up with the words to express the pain of losing a child, just so you could know the power of God's peace and comfort in a time of darkness. Sometimes the image of finding his little body without his soul floods through my mind and I feel like the room is spinning. Everything else fades and I'm in a far away place. A dark place. Soon after that the image of Noah in Heaven that I had in my dream comes to my mind. I hold on to that for dear life.
I've never experienced His presence like I have since Noah left. God really does show himself when we need Him most. He is always there, but when there is absolutely no where else for us to turn, he gives his light of Hope. I like how He reveals himself through my family and friends. Friends who promised to walk down this road with me, pray for us, remind me that every day here is a day closer to Heaven, and friends who tell me that this just plain sucks. Also, my little Theo running through the halls at church telling everyone that God helps us, something he learned in Sunday School. Prayer is what allows me to have peace throughout the day. I know when someone is praying for me. That may sound crazy to some, but it's my truth.
To me, grief isn't something you get over, it's something you get through. I'll have to move through this life on earth without Noah. That was not my plan, and it really sucks, but it is what it is. I'm going to hold on his memory and cherish the joy that he brought to our lives. Eight months ago today was the last time I hugged my pal. Ugh, I so wish I could just hug him again and never let go. Someday. That's what hope is all about. Hope that I will see him again, along with my Savior. Hope that one day on this earth the joy of Noah will come first to my mind instead of the constant reminder that he's not here with me.
I've never experienced His presence like I have since Noah left. God really does show himself when we need Him most. He is always there, but when there is absolutely no where else for us to turn, he gives his light of Hope. I like how He reveals himself through my family and friends. Friends who promised to walk down this road with me, pray for us, remind me that every day here is a day closer to Heaven, and friends who tell me that this just plain sucks. Also, my little Theo running through the halls at church telling everyone that God helps us, something he learned in Sunday School. Prayer is what allows me to have peace throughout the day. I know when someone is praying for me. That may sound crazy to some, but it's my truth.
To me, grief isn't something you get over, it's something you get through. I'll have to move through this life on earth without Noah. That was not my plan, and it really sucks, but it is what it is. I'm going to hold on his memory and cherish the joy that he brought to our lives. Eight months ago today was the last time I hugged my pal. Ugh, I so wish I could just hug him again and never let go. Someday. That's what hope is all about. Hope that I will see him again, along with my Savior. Hope that one day on this earth the joy of Noah will come first to my mind instead of the constant reminder that he's not here with me.
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| One of my favorite pictures of him at the beach. |
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| He loved to look at maps and pretend to tell me where to go. Well, I don't think he was pretending. I miss those brown eyes. |
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Alone
I feel so alone. Alone and discouraged. God, I just can't be strong on my own. Help me. Help me find Your strength. So many people in my life are happy but I am sad. I feel that I'm being punished, even though I don't think You work that way. Noah was full of so much joy and compassion. I feel like my joy and compassion were ripped from me when he left. I just don't know what to do anymore. So much sadness, anger, and depression. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I know there is hope. I know there is joy. It's just hard to see right now. Guess it's just one of those rough days.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
OK
There are two things I struggle with the most; being bitter and pretending that I'm not. I've always loathed bitterness. It has the ability to suck you in to a deep dark hole. I do NOT want to be there. I don't want that darkness hanging over me because I'm afraid that it will cause me to miss the healing and comfort that God has in store for me. But. When I'm around so many people who seem happy I just get discouraged because I don't feel that way. I am just tired of pretending that everything is ok. I am not saying that I don't have moments where I allow joy and laughter in, I do. The joy of the Lord is my strength, right? Sometimes it's just hard. It's hard for me to smile and say "ok" when someone asks how I'm doing. I AM NOT OK. I'm sad and I miss Noah SO MUCH. I can't really say that though. I don't think people will continue to ask me that if that was my response. So, for now, I'll just say "ok." It's the best that I can do. Honestly, in the end, everything will be ok. The end just seems so far away. One of my good friends reminded me the other day that when I get to Heaven, Noah won't know how long it took me to get there. Also, I won't know either. There's no time in Heaven. All our tears will be wiped away!!!
As I was praying to God the other day I asked, "why couldn't You have waited until I died before you took Noah?" I know it is not my place to question God. I'm just being honest here. During my prayer I thought, what if I had died before Noah? How much pain would that have caused him? How much pain would he have to endure with any one in our family leaving before him? My son will never know the pain of losing someone, for that, I am thankful.
As I was praying to God the other day I asked, "why couldn't You have waited until I died before you took Noah?" I know it is not my place to question God. I'm just being honest here. During my prayer I thought, what if I had died before Noah? How much pain would that have caused him? How much pain would he have to endure with any one in our family leaving before him? My son will never know the pain of losing someone, for that, I am thankful.
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